A HubNugget Honeymoon -The Jackalope and the Showgirl Part Deux

If you've been paying attention for the last few weeks, you've undoubtedly noticed that, in addition to the fabulous selection of HubNugget Wannabes we always have, this old jackalope has had more than his fair share of love scenes. Unfortunately, Mrs. Evilpants is also a lover of HubNuggets, so she has noticed this trend as well.

It took a lot of talking to get myself out of trouble after the Romeus and Pattiette scandal, but I managed to smooth things over with the missus. I mean, really, is it my fault that I was swept into Elizabethan times, drugged, and forced into the arms of another woman? And it's not like it's a daily occurrence, either. It's only happened six or eight times, tops.

I was working my way back into her good graces when the Vegas thing came up. I somehow found my way right back into the doghouse over the whole Candy Bubbles fiasco. Less than ten minutes after last week's Hubnugget hub was published, my wife had voted for her faves, packed her bags, and left for an extended visit with her mother.

With my divorce underway and Pattiette refusing to take my calls, I found myself hopping around in a house that was too big and way too quiet. In my loneliness, I saw only one option. Road trip!

I pulled out my autographed photo of Candy Bubbles and stared into her big doe eyes. I gazed at her flowing, platinum hair and those big, beautiful bubbles. I had to get back to Vegas. Lucky for me Vegas isn't too far from San Francisco, or so I thought, so I could drop off the Gender and Relationships nominees along the way. That made it a business trip, so I could take the company car.

This side trip ended up costing me a small fortune, so please be sure to read the Wannabes and vote for your favorite!

Apparently San Fran is a little farther from Vegas than I thought, because I ran out of gas just outside of town. I had to make my way to the Down And Dirty on foot. It was 112 degrees outside, and the little bit of breeze blowing in from the desert was about as cool and refreshing as the exhaust fumes of an idling bus.

I walked into the dive with a mouthful of grit and dust, grabbed a pitcher of iced water off the nearest table and downed it in a single gulp. It wasn't until the room swam out of focus and I felt the fire in my belly that I realized I'd just slammed about two quarts of the cheapest gin that money could buy.

The next thing I remember is waking up in a white room where an Elvis impersonator was torturing The King's "Love Me Tender", with organ accompaniment. It would seem that I had awakened right smack in the middle of someone's wedding.

Still a little groggy, I looked around and saw the whole HubNugget team (Everyone except for Simone. Apparently the rookie had to stay at the office and man the phones.). The team was all decked out in their best Sunday clothes and they were all applauding. That's when I realized it was my wedding, and I had slept through the whole thing!

Elvis had finished slaughtering "Love Me Tender" and was busy proclaiming that he "Can't Help Falling In Love", when the room suddenly reverberated with a low hum. The Mirror Crack'd had found its way to my nuptials and it didn't seem to care for Elvis tunes. It sent the portly, polyester clad, sequin encrusted crooner back to the space ship on which he's been long rumored to live; then turned its bifurcated gaze upon Ripplemaker, whom it whisked into the middle of the Nevada desert with this week's nominees for the Religion and Philosophy category. Fortunately, she landed near her HubMobile and was able to deliver them to Simone in time to publish below.

The mirror has definitely got a sense of humor, because it sent us all to one of the most popular honeymoon destinations in the world. Unfortunately, Niagara Falls is not nearly as charming when you arrive in a barrel, via the Niagara river!

The mirror threw all of us, including the final 6 Wannabes, through time and space and deposited us in the middle of the river, just upstream of the falls. Lucky for us the tear in the time-space continuum jarred a few barrels loose from a nearby winery. We each grabbed one and hung on for dear life.

My beautiful new wife was the first to reach the brink of the falls and she hasn't been seen since (On a personal note, her prolonged absence just might make it easier for me to remain married. She never had the chance to get annoyed!).

Peggy Helkaa, a resident of nearby Smithville, Ontario, was visiting Niagara falls for the day and captured dramatic photos of the events leading up to our rescue. Ms. Helkaa was kind enough to share the photos with us and I've published them below. You know, just in case you thought I was making the whole story up.

If you want a better view of our near death experiences, just click the images to enlarge.

Patty and Zsuzsy were next to go over the edge. As you can see in the photo, Patty faced the situation head on, proudly standing her ground within that tight fitting barrel. Zsuzsy Bee took it bravely too, but chose to duck inside the barrel and only peek out over the rim of her keg after the worst was over.

Shirley and I survived the 175 foot drop, barely missing the rocks at the bottom, and found ourselves bobbing in the river alongside Patty and Szuzsy. We were eventually pulled aboard one of the Maid Of The Mist tour boats by the helpful crew and passengers.

RedElf, diminutive creature that she is, was thrown from her barrel in the rapids just before reaching the edge of the falls. Forced to dig her claws into the jagged rocks to keep from going over the falls unprotected, all she could do was hold on and hope for a brave soul to rescue her…and shout an incredibly long string of curse words vulgar enough to embarrass a longshoreman. We could hear the ruckus all the way downriver and my ears are still burning!

The final barrel to make its way downriver contained our Wannabes for the Travel and Places category, and they were moving fast! RedElf cursed even louder when she realized the Wannabes were on a course to knock her over the brink.

Suddenly, tourists on the observation platform started cheering and pointing toward the bend in the river. Jason and Maddie appeared from nowhere. They had found themselves a jet ski and they were headed for the falls at full throttle!

RedElf winced as Jason grabbed the Wannabes' barrel, just an inch away from her tiny head. A split second later, Maddie reached down and grabbed the frightened (but decidedly potty-mouthed) kitty by her scruff.

The tourists held their breath and RedElf cursed yet again as the jet ski teetered on the edge of disaster. Jason managed to right the tiny craft just as it started to slip over the edge toward the gorge below, and jetted back up the river to get everyone to safety.

It's been nearly a week since our brush with death and RedElf has finally stopped cursing, but she may need to remain in therapy for a while longer. As for those 6 Wannabes that were nearly lost to Niagara's fury, they're posted below for you to enjoy. Please be sure to vote for your favorite before you leave!

Have you always wondered what a HubNugget is and how to get in on the HubNugget action? Well, wonder no more! All you have to do is read this hub and all will be revealed.

HubNuggets Q & A

If you're a wannabe, make sure you get out and promote your hub! Just don't go posting links all willie-nillie on HubPages. Spam is great for sandwiches, or maybe chopped up in your mac-n-cheese, but folks around here don't like to see it in the forums.