B.T. Evilpants For President
63An Important Announcement From B.T. Evilpants
My fellow Americans; after watching the spectacle that is our election process, I have decided that it is time for this Jackalope to take action. I will consent to the many requests I have received, and hereby announce my candidacy for the highest office in the land. In the interest of patriotism, altruism, and several other isms that escape me at the moment, I am willing to subject myself to the unpleasant task of serving as your president.
Until now, I have heard many people refer to this election as a choice between the lesser of two evils. With me in the race, it becomes a simple choice between the evil you know, and the evil you don't know.
Allow Me To Explain
You may think you know the two guys who are currently in the running. In fact, all you really know, is what they show you. What my opponents actually amount to, is a collection of fancy speeches, sound bites, and photo ops. The sad fact is that they may, and probably do, each have an evil streak that runs deeper than you could possibly imagine.
With me, on the other hand, you know in advance what my personal brand of evil is. As a smart voter, surely you realize that you would be far better off with me working for you, than against you. I am a no nonsense kind of guy. I'm sure you already know that I'm a peace loving creature. I'm not one to start a fight. But make no mistake about it, I have never run from one, either. Being a Jackalope, I am also tenacious, by my very nature. Once I sink my antlers into a problem, I do not relent until it is solved.
What Sets Me Apart From The Herd
Let me address a few issues, that I have yet to hear those other guys talking about. First and foremost, I am not a crook! I know you've heard this before, but in my case, it's true. I give you my word, that everything I have, I have earned (or won in various poker games and such). I have never stolen anything from anyone; unless, of course, it was something very shiny. But then, that's not really stealing, is it? I mean, when you see something shiny, you have to take it, right? It's like a law, or instinct, or some very scientific sounding impulse.
Secondly, I do not accept money from lobbyists, as far as you know. I can also hold my head high, in the knowledge that I am not inclined to accept most forms of bribes.
Point number three: And this one is kind of important. I have never eaten a human child. My opponents have remained eerily silent, on this issue. I just thought that needed to be pointed out. I mean, maybe they eat kids, and maybe they don't. I'm just saying that I'm the only one denying it, here.
Fourth, I am not El Chupacabra. I have never knowingly sucked the blood from a goat, and left him to die in some farmer's field. Have my esteemed colleagues made this claim? Not to my knowledge. Now I know this will come out in the media at some point, so I will address it here. While I am not El Chupacabra, he was my roommate, in college. And I will state publicly that, despite the implications in his name, I never actually saw him sucking any blood. He was a pretty nice guy, actually. He was just misunderstood.
Lastly, I am in no way responsible for the ongoing epidemic of cattle mutilations, throughout North America. This is yet another issue that my opponents have chosen not to address. But I will say, right up front, that neither I, my family, or any Jackalope is running around doing these things to your cows, and bulls and whatnot. There are those who have blamed aliens, but this is all blue smoke and mirrors. Personally, I find the utter silence from both camps, to be particularly ominous.
What Will I do For You?
I make no promises. As voters, I'm sure that you are tired of hearing them, anyway. The sad fact is that politicians lie. The good news is that I'm not a politician. You can trust, and believe every word that I say. Once elected, I plan to appoint my staff, and cabinet within the first three days. There will be a house cleaning of epic proportions.
I will then go about repairing the damage that has been done to this country, by any means necessary. No need to go into details, at this point. As I have already pointed out, you can trust me completely.
I will only serve one term. I believe I can accomplish all of my objectives in four years, or less. At the end of my term, I will step down. I will then occupy the even less desirable position of "Benevolent Dictator." I know this sounds bad, but again, I'm a really nice guy, and you can trust me. Honest.
A Brave New Party
Now I realize there are some who simply refuse to trust. So, in the event that it is still necessary to go through the formality of an actual election, I have formed a new political party. I have dug deep to bring together the best ideas of both existing parties. I have put these ideals before several focus groups, and found a groundswell of support.
If you wish to contribute to this grassroots effort, we will be in your area soon, conducting fundraising events. Since we are entering the fray at a late hour, the fundraiser dinners will require a donation of $10,000 per plate. Money well spent, when you consider what I will do for you. We put out a good spread, too. Exotic sausages, gravies from around the world, and of course, butter tarts. How could you possibly resist? And in the interest of dispelling any myths that may be going around, we do not put any form of brain washing drugs into our food. Nor do we conceal subliminal messages in the fine selection of patriotic music that is played at our events!
After sampling our food, and listening to what we have to say, I'm confident you will choose to fore-go the election, and put me straight into office. But, if the election must go forth, all you need to remember is to vote a straight Republicrat ticket (trust me, you will remember that). Just leave the country in our evil... I mean, capable hands, and we'll take care of everything!
In Summation
Just to recap, here are some important points to consider, when selecting your next leader:
- I will almost never steal from you
- I will not usually accept bribes, or payoffs
- I will not eat your children
- I do not kill, suck blood from, or otherwise harm cattle, goats, or small woodland creatures
What more could you possibly ask of a president?
___________________________________________
I am B.T. Evilpants, and I approve this message.
Cast your vote now!
Who will you vote for, in '08?
See results without votingImportant Update
Information coming into my campaign headquarters, suggests that Canada and Mexico have been conducting some decidedly anti-Jackalope activities. Upon taking office, I may deem it necessary to invade, and annex these two countries and thus create one harmonious nation.
NEWSFLASH!!!
Recent comments have questioned my morality. Apparently a photo involving multiple sexual partners has been wildly misinterpreted. If you have seen the photo (I see no need to re-post it at this time), you must have noticed the total lack of antlers on any of the participants. My goal in posting this photo, was to demonstrate the current political climate at the world's zoological parks.
The rabbits in question, are simply working in unison toward a single goal. It is their hope to re-take control of this world, by out-procreating all other species. All evidence suggests that they are doing a bang-up job. It is common knowledge that bunnies grow VERY quickly. And the ones that are currently in gestation, will be of voting age in about a month.
If you are still undecided in this election, or have decided to vote for another candidate, I urge you to reconsider, for your own health. I have heard some ugly rumors , in the course of my world zoo tour. There has been much chatter about para-bunny-military operations. I have heard whispering of training camps, and bunny mercenaries being sent to polling locations, throughout the nation, to insure a victory for the animal kingdom. As I understand it, they even have a motto. It is: "Vote for Evilpants, and nobody gets hurt..."
Even I have been affected by this frighteneng movement. On this particular trip to the zoo, I was approached by a young rabbit. When I told him I was thinking about leaving this presidential race, it was suggested that it would be extremely bad for my health to do so. As you can see, my hands are tied, in this matter. I am now running for president, under duress.
I beg you to surrender to these militant beasts, and give me your vote. I will work to restore harmony and friendship among all species. Once that is achieved, I suspect that world peace will not be far behind. Thank you, and good night.
CommentsLoading...
You're in, Zsuzsy! I'm hoping that having a Canadian as a cabinet member, will help smooth relations with our neighbors to the north! Besides, how could I resist your tarts!?
I have one concern! B.T., if you are assassinated by the Mighty Hunter who will be left in charge? I'm pretty sure, maybe, you can count on my vote!
I know that guy, Dottie. No danger, there. His aim is terrible! He couldn't hit the side of a barn, if he was standing in it!
Will you need to forego your earnings from Gravy World, et.al. as the California governor did with the Arnold Fitness-Sports Fest & Picnic in Ohio?
If we go into Canada, I will lead a brigade and visit my Mohawk cousins, which make up a very big political party there north of New York State. My Tomahawks are ready.
I have reviewed your Jackalope town, because business is up! I lalso inked to other interesting Hub Pages...
I would have to see your birth certifciate BT. Were you born in the US? I think you should produce at least a photocopy of it here if you were. I wil come back later to check.
Great question SirDent. Also wondering BT what were your thoughts on Dick Cheney taking out the Easter Bunny at the Annual White House Easter Egg Roll this year?
Thank goodness! A candidate I can really support! Not eating my children is extremely important to me, and I'm glad you realized it needed to be addressed.
B.T. I think that was the best campaign speech I've heard, I mean read, in a long time.
One concern - your butter tart habit. Have you really kicked it this time? It could make you susceptible to bribes.
By the way, SirDent brought up a good point. I'm pretty sure that you're half Canadian.
Zsuzsy, you'll make a great Foreign Baked Goods Minister! I'm so proud that we'll have a Canuck in the White House.
Let me guess at the name of our new soveriegn nation. Canusexico? Well, maybe not, but you got my vote!
By the way, since you are probably in the know, and all that with your political savvy. Is it really true that Bush told the VP, "Let the Russians have Georgia, but if they push into Alabama we are gonna have to do something." ?
Hmmmm.
As your business partner, I guess that makes me your running mate, mate.
Although I'm not an American, that should be something that you can fix.
Anyone running on the "Tiny Shiny Things" platform is someone I'm with all the way.
And I hope I can count on your support if anyone invades Tasmania.
Yes everyone - Vote 1: B.T.
Dude, I am willing to help you perpetrate mass voter-fraud and poll violations. I mean, not that you would do that, because obviously you have too much integrity. But, have your people who don't have that much integrity get in touch with me, because I'm totally down. The moment you were willing to say outloud that, well, something shiny before you is frankly fair game.. that's when I knew you were for real. Truth over BS!!!!
As A South African perhaps we can work some kind of Postal vote scam (er I mean Scheme) Alternatively I could be a non voting ambassador at large to the United States of CanUsIco (USC). this would have the advantage of you not having to pay relocation costs. This will save foreign currency and keep the dollar in USC. BT for Prezz. I take it you do not have a cigar habit or a wife that has presidential aspirations?
Hm... I’m not convinced yet. Someone who blames his pants for his own disposition, and a butter tart-addict too? It’s just a little too smooth, there’s got to be a catch. Especially since Eric, Shadesbreath and the likes are so eager to join in. If that doesn’t raise suspicion, what does? There’s something rotten in the state of Canamerico, as Hamlet would say, should he still be alive. Which he isn’t, due to the villainous acts of the Medieval Jackalopes. If I were American, I’d dare you to put your mouth where your money (or other shiny objects) is and do something NOW. To set an example, show your vigor.
I am indeed touched by this outpouring of support! Patty, RE any gravy related income, I can only say that I have definitely NOT set up an offshore account, to conceal extra-curricular revenue.
SirDent, I suspect you are muck-raking, here. Everyone knows that Jackalopes are not issued birth certificates. It would be impossible to keep up with all of the births in North America. As I have pointed out, you can trust me, completely. If you don't believe me, just ask my mom. She'll be more than happy to tell you!
Dottie, I abhor such bunny abuse. The Easter bunny is a very close friend of mine. I am considering restructuring the judicial system, and putting bunny abusers under the spotlight. This will not be tolerated in the Evilpants administration!
dineane, Thank you for your support, and let me reiterate that I will not be eating any children! IHowever, I make no guarantees about pets, or any baked goods that you may have lying about.
Shirley! I received you kind donation, and I am grateful! As for the butter tarts, let me clear that issue up here, and now. I did not have gastronomical relations with that tart! Nuff said?
akeejaho, Bush did not say anthing like that. The actual quote was " We can afford to lose Georgia, as long as they don't push south, to Maine!"
Eric, you are definitely in the running to be my V.P. Your closest competition is was taken down by Dick Cheney, at the whitehouse Easter egg Roll (not to be confused with the Easter Eggroll).
Shades, and Sixty, I have publicly stated that I will not be a party to such subversion as you suggest! Frankly, I am insulted at the very idea! I am an honest Jackalope, and I will not lower myself to such chicanery, as far as you know! *note to self: have my people call shades, and sixty, to set up negotiations*
Ananta! Welcome to this lively political discussion! If you need to be convinced of my vigor, I refer you to the fact that I have spawned... err, sired more than 750 offspring! Is that the kind of vigor that you were referring to? Re: Hamlet. Jackalopes did not kill him. I assure you that's purely anti-lope propaganda being spewed forth by my opponents!
I just wanted to thank you for correcting the information on Bushy Boy. I would really hate to have put false information out oabout our prezzy! (That would be terrible!)
Just goes to show your honesty and the fact that you are an upstanding Jackalope! For that, you have my vote, and a second one to add to it!
Remember everyone. Vote, and vote often! Stuff that ballot box, we need this guy.
Will all those 750 kids get free tickets to Gravy World(squared)? How is the nesselope to fit in the double ferris wheel gravy buckets? I foresee a logistics nightmare and a revenue deficit already...
Man, imagine how much child support you'd have to pay if Mrs. Jackalope ever decides to leave you. And... I mean, 750 kids, I bet she doesn't have her girlish figure anymore... or her... bunnyish figure? Antelopish? ...
haha - one mom is the Loch Ness Monster - Nessy, nessalope...
750 offspring is not an act of vigor, it’s an act of lacking self-control! And now that you mention it... It would increase your credibility if you’d stop moving your loins when you’re holding a speech.
I am greatly concerned, it seems to me that BT has spawned(sic and he is not even a seahorse) some 750 offspring creating potential economic chaos in Canada and the US. The butter tart industry his about to collapse and it is will be impossible to provide the buuter tart needs of just this brood. How can we resolve the crisis even unto the next generation and what about the other Jackalopes out there?
Perhaps the chinese can supply at least the ingredients for the butter tart industry at least keeping the labour (oh dear that word!) in the continental United States including Canada and Mehico.
Help
I guess the Chinese can do a lot of creative things when it comes to Jackalopes, Sixtyorso *evil grin*
Where do I register?
Marisue, I think that you will want to registere here: http://allpoetry.com/group/info/sisterhood+of+the+
Press release from B.T. Evilpants: I flatly deny these allegations against me. I never said that I had 750 children. I am a responsible, morally grounded Jackalope. These smear tactics have been employed by Republicans and Democrats alike, for too long. There is no butter tart crisis, either. The simple truth is, that Canada hordes these golden gems. Thus ensuring billions of dollars in trade, through butter tart tourism. When I seize control.... I mean, take office, things will change. With the formation of Unimericanaco, I think I can guarantee butter tarts for all!
Thank you. I will not be taking questions today.
OHOHOHOHOH!! BT, BT--look this way!! (waving arms in air frantically)
I think you are the GREATEST!! Am definitely voting for you, I think, sure, maybe, whatever.
Can I have a cabinet post too? PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE? PLEASE, WITH A BUTTER TART ON TOP?
I'd like to be in charge of the "Cabinet of Humor", cause everyone says our government and it's leaders are a joke and I know I'd do a "crack-up" job!
Here's a sample of a bumper sticker for your campaign--
"Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket--Full Of Butter Tarts And Shiny Things?"
Think about it!!!
Or this one---
"2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified. 2008: HOPPIN' MAD AND READY FOR A CHANGE!!"
No, well, I'll work on it a little more. Meanwhile, here's a rectangle piece of paper I ripped out of a little book with MANY other rectangle pieces of paper (MANY, MANY more if you get my drift. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.) that I "doodled" some numbers and names on.
"DEPOSIT" it in your wallet in your evilpants pocket where you can "BANK" on using it for whatever later on, like putting it with a few shiny things that could "CHANGE" your lifestyle from what the "CURRENCY" one is.
We'll talk more later. Have your people call my people but only during jail visiting hours, please. RULES--how they get in the way of "real" business sometimes!
Ruthie, you needn't even ask. I already had you in mind for that position!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!
As I thought...I turn my back for a moment and this is what you are all up to. Tsk, tsk!
I'd like to support you BT, but I'm a bit suspicious of your motivations and this sudden interest in politics.
On a recent fact finder mission to Chugwater, WY...I found this in a rather dusty file.
http://insearchoftheweird.com/photos/wyoming/gippe
*lifts an eyebrow*
Seems like perhaps you might have a grudge against the Republican party...
If I dig deeper, I wonder what else i can find?
I have nothing against Jackalopes, BT Evilpants, but I regret to inform you that I will be unable to support your candidacy because I have already announced my candidacy for President of the United States. If you think you might be interested in a co-presidency with me, please contact me. My campaign positions are outlined in this hub: http://hubpages.com/hub/Heres-A-Candidate-That-Pro
Good to have you back, Spryte! And I'm glad I turn out to be not the only one who has serious doubts and questions regarding Mr Evilpants' motives.
BT I have a communique from Robert Mugabe.
"I have a need for a new post. Could I co-run your new country and I will teach you how to sieze er take control. Rig (I mean run) an election. Surround yourself with syncophants and to hell with the economy. Here in Zimbabwe it costs millions of dollars to buy a loaf of bread and that is in the morning. Who knows what it will cost this afternoon. BTW I will need amnesty from the world court. Get your people to talk to my people"
Spryte, do you work in the media or something? Will these tactics never end? I know a bad photoshop job when I see one! Everyone knows that Reagan was a lover of Jackalopes. I became interested in politics, after visiting him in the oval office (No, I didn't break in. He invited me).
William, your platform sounds solid, but I must question your honesty. Everyone has something against Jackalopes! You also didn't mention the eating children issue. I remain the only candidate who has publicly denied being a child-eater. I think that speaks volumes. How can anyone expect to remain in office, if they habitually eat potential future voters?
Ananta, if you and Spryte will just come to one fundraiser dinner, I know you will both change your minds. Sample our (still drug-free) food, enjoy some music, listen to a a few brief speaches. What do you have to lose?
Sixty. thank Mr Mugabe for me, but I do not need his help. A lifetime of watching our own politicos has more than prepared me for this! I paid particular attention to the Florida results of the great Bush vs. Gore battle. I'm still looking for this "Chad" guy, that was gumming up the works, down there. He would make a great campaign manager.
Annoucnement - New campaign news coming the weekend of Aug 15-17, '08.
"A butter tart on every plate!"
I wonder if BT knows that the Mighty Hunter lived in Florida a few years ago.
B.T. I just had a question posed over at my hub wanting to know how much you drink and can you pronounce the word nuclear? Robie2 is thinking you are looking pretty good for President. I thought it would be good for you to show up and answer the question for her since I don't know the answer.
@ The President-To-Be ...
I don't think Chad's hanging out in Florida much anymore. But Patty could run a great campaign, I'm sure.
"Get on The Gravy Train!"
Hey Ananta - Not really back yet. Flying home to AZ on Sunday...but what can I say, laughter is good for the soul and I know that I can always sneak on here at odd moments (when I can't sleep) and find a measure of comfort amongst all of you. Although at the moment...I'm trashed beyond belief because some old friends of mine kidnapped me and forced me to drink copious amounts of alcohol in celebration of seeing them again. Oh how I suffered through it as nobly..(is that a word)...as possible.
BT...in truth, once Nancy explained that you weren't actually Jack Elope, his old college buddy, Ronnie had a change of heart and took out his vengeance on the nearest be-antlered bunny that he saw. It wasn't very nice taking advantage of a senile old man the way you did....tsk...
Love you all and will be back on regularly next week sometime.
BT, I'm just sayin', you know, you might need to, you know, take on some more, like, agressive tactics for some of these, uh, negative peoples if'n you know what I mean. If you needs me to, maybe, get some of the boys to, uh... talk to them real convincing like and get them off yous back, just, you know, say somethin'. That's all I'm sayin'.
I think this has gone far enough people. There shall be no animals in the White house excpoets dogs. Well there was one cat a for a time.
See, the evidence will surface, one way or another. Either by careless statements from the candidate himself or otherwise. “Everyone knows that Reagan was a lover of Jackalopes. I became interested in politics, after visiting him in the oval office…” B.T Evilpants is in fact a Lewinsky avant la lettre.
What have I got to lose? $ 10,000 and my integrity! (And yes, I’m concerned more about the first than about the latter).
Trashed beyond belief, Spryte? Wouldn’t surprise me if our candidate (or his accompice, Mr Shadesbreath) is behind all that in an attempt to win you over and lower your level of cynicism… Hang in there, girl! *warm hug*
Ok spryte, you got me. But that was so long ago. Not a time I was proud of (or completely remember, truth be told). It simply makes the point that I'm a regular guy. But I am also a guy who learns from his mistakes.
Ananta! I am shocked! Are you suggesting that I would spend 4 days researching Spryte's background, then call several of her old friends, and secretly pay them to get her tipsy and brainwash her? Ridiculous! I have peolple to do that kind of thing for me.
That reminds me; Sahdesbreath, I may have some work for you afterall. Re: William F Torpey, Ananta65, and possibly Marian Swift. Oh, and SirDent, whom I suspect is harboring a certain hunter.
I thought Chad was a country in Africa? Evilpants, if you don't mind I'd like to offer a position to Shadesbreath in my own campaign. He seems to have just the skills I need to put some real muscle in my positions while out on the hustings.
Actually, william, I keep Shadesbreath on a very generous retainer. And he is well aware of the consequences involved, should he decide to do any moonlighting.
That's right, Mr. BT, you does pay good. But William, I gots a cousin, Guidosbreath, what will come talks to ya.
By the way boss, I sent some of the boys over ta see Marian Swift and SirDent, just, you knows, for a conversation. I'mma head over ta see Ananata myself, maybe have a, you know, conversation with him too.
Such nice boys, too! We had a little chat over tea and cookies. Well, I'm on a diet so I couldn't indulge, but the conversation was most colorful!
They're taking a little nap right now, so they'll be a bit late visiting your other friends.
Clever woman!
BT, yous might have to deal wit her yehself.
I’m not suggesting anything at all, Mr. Evilpants. My words have been misquoted and completely taken out of their context. Besides, I think you seem to be overlooking some minor details. I don’t think too much of your ehhr.. people but I do hope they’re not as stupid as to wash something that clearly isn’t there.
Oooh, BT's coming to my place? Just so happens I got a nice tray of imported butter tarts waiting. Too bad I can't sample any --- dieting, don'tcha know.
Will there be a great debate between B.T. Evilpants and William F. Torpey? Would each do a Hub about his platform and such and then take the debate to the forums? I shall ask William over on his hub as well.
Has anyone seen that little Post-It I had with number for Snipers-R-Us on it? I had it yesterday... then I put it right up...
There it is... ;-)
... Does anyone know the zip code for Truth or Consequences? Some place in New Mexico, I think...
Hey BT, thanks for the fan! I am running for president too! Would you care to run against me? I can jazz up my little voting hack so that other candidates can be in it!
I hardly ever put links in comments but here's the link to the blog post that explains everything:
http://dorkage.net/2008/08/win-2000-ec-elect-dork-
I can bribe people to vote for me with EC (I'm just trying to simulate the real process), and like Americans, we just have to trust the voting widget is fair even though I wrote it. I've started getting people in EC to contribute EC for the prize and so it could get bigger before it gets smaller. This is a whole bunch of fun in a geeky way. If I wasnt voting for me I'd be voting for you.
Your days are short oh evil one. I have been contracted by another candidate whom i refuse to name at this time to take you out. Did you really think you had a chance?
Oh come on mighty Hunter.
You've been here for over 2 weeks bragging about how you're going to get my little furry friend.
But he's still here, running rings around you, and making you look pretty foolish.
I challenge you to complete your mission within 48 hours.
This should be pretty easy, given that he is speaking publicly at several well promoted locations.
If you can't do this, you'll forever be remembered on Hub Pages as the guy with the huge weapon who didn't know how to use it. :-)
Now, now--this is getting to sound to violent for the cultured and refined personages that we all are here on Hub. Everyone put down their weapons and let's talk about our problems.
We'll all meet in a specially prepared underground place that I have in the basement of my castle. Then, once you're all snug in your proper places and bolted, er, seated, I'll discuss the plans for the up-coming campaign as I see it.
Mr. BT, if you bring the appropriate amount of currency that it would take to persuade me, I think that we can iron out any potential problems and begin working on a division of assets for after the election which would include states (always a need for land), populations (can never have enough serfs) and natural resources (imperative to build more wealth) for after the election.
Let me know your decision as soon as possible.
It's good to be the Queen!!
Oh please! I keep hearing about how short my days are getting. Make your move, pal. I'm on your front lawn, right now. Come out and plaaayaay! As far as I can tell, the only reason my days are getting shorter, is that daylight saving time is ending soon.
That sounds like a plan, Ruthie. I think you know that I am a peace loving kinda guy. It's just a really bad idea to provoke me the way Mighty Hunter is doing! Everyone knows you should never poke a sleeping Jackalope!
this is like watching a movie. but i can't tell who the bad guys are....
marisuewritea - Just like real life!
Queen Ruthie.
You're the last person to be lecturing people about putting down weapons.
I heard that you terrorised a hub pages staff member recently with your walking stick !!!
Okay...I'm back at my own puter...the vacation is OVER for all of you. Shoulda ran and hid while you had the chance. Now it's tooooooo late.
Now, if you'll excuse me for a bit, Foxy and her comrades seem to have a very detailed amount of information that I must read before I comment further.
I’m disappointed to see that Mr. Evilpants is no different from any other candidate, in spite of his promises made earlier. Putting up smoke screens, avoiding real answers, diverting the attention from the serious issues… No, that’s not true, I’m not disappointed. I merely feel confirmed in my suspicions.
By the way, who’s this Mightbe Hunter anyway?
I must say, this candidate is refreshing! So well spoken, so honest, and cute too! I have read every one of his hubs, and I am very impressed with myself... I mean him. He has my vote, and everyone else should vote for him, as well!
I have to say B.T.'s candidacy is pretty weak.
I mean can we really vote, in good conscience, for a candidate who often does not accept bribes?
Torpey '08!
Hmm... I know this Mr. B. T. Evilpants personally. Hardly a day goes by that I don't bump acrooss him somewhere, he really is pretty speedy. Hey, maybe its all that sugar, maybe not.
Do any of you know his nickname? I don't know if I should tell you this,...I don't know what might happen to me if I tell, but I don't think he knows where I live, so here goes....His nickname is ROB!
I know he carries tools in that little briefcase of his, hidden under all that campaign literature. I know cuz I sold them to him. I think they are for those shiny things that may be bolted down, I don't know and I didn't ask.
If you ever go to one of his fundraisers, you will be thrilled. He is truley a cooking musician also, it is elecrical, you will be shocked by the presentation. If you live through it you have no reason not to vote for B. T.
He got my vote when he bought ALL my tools.
Good. We'll save money on entertainment at the campaign dinners.
I'm gonna make you a widget B.T. Let's see I'll need to poach your avatar. I hope that is OK. It will make a cute campaign button. More later , one of my other monikers is stealth geek. So just look out.
Go ahead hot dorkage. As you can see, I'm on a roll! I not only have support from several continents, but the third alien's comment makes it a universal deal! What can I say? I guess it's just my time!
BT - I think you need to get more Native American backing, since I'm one of them.
Obama is called 'Black Eagle" so what - more glorious - name shall we call you? An official tribal name will make up for some injustices to natives and assurecontinuing protection --Of course they always protected the Jackalope, you know. That is why turkey is eaten on thanksgiving and not the antlered bunny. Over 1000 tribes will surely back you in 2008!
And I think you can get the Cajun vote as well.
Your Campaign Hub here has been Dugg, by the way. :)
Jackalope in a roll... That's an idea! I guess it indeed is your time *grin*
Ananta, I hope you know what you're doing. If you don't, eating a Jackalope is a dicey business. Possibly fatal.
Thanks, Patty! I have never been dugg, to my knowlege. I'm open to suggestions for a suitable tribal name. The Ottawas used to call me War Bunny. Not sure that would go over well, given the current political climate.
I'm suggesting, not digesting :)
I was digested, once. Apparently I didn't agree with the digester (digestor?). Generally, I prefer to keep an "I won't eat you if you don't eat me" kind of attitude. People seem to be much happier, if they're not walking around wondering if they're going to be eaten by a Jackalope today.
Well, they won't get eaten today, will they? You still need their votes. What happens after the election however remains to be seen. I don't want to insinuate anything, of course.
BT Mugabe says if you do not consent to a summit he will talk to his pals Dubja, Blair and Mbeki to see that you are sidelined, discredited and prevented from running. Martian high command is also taking a hard look at the proceedings. They have not come down on anyone's side yet, depending on the Excrement blow out matter. So be warned this election business is not for the faint hearted. BTW Chad is the reason why we are all aware of the inconvenient truth now. Chad is related to Punch Hollerith, a card sharp of note.
Ananta, I have joined you fan club, so that I might keep a closer eye on you. Any sudden moves would be ill advised.
Sixy, I am only too happy to attend this summit. I only stated that I required no help on his part. I am always willing to hear the thoughts of like minded people. By the way, have my ray guns shipped yet?
I've been having you in my sight for a while now. You should have known if you had paid more attention to the hubtivity, B.T. Just so you know I'm well ahead of you. Unlike you I don't just rely on my people. I have taken action myself and became your fan some time ago. That is leadership, my friend. Getting involved personally at the right moment, proactive rather than reactive. And even in your reactions... Well, let me say this: if I were you, I would have focussed on clarifying my diet instead of keeping a closer eye on some innocent and ignorant hubber like Ananta, who clearly has no idea what he's talking about ;)
I'll take that under advisement. In the meantime, you should be very careful. I believe your house backs up to the forest...
Cut down the budget on intelligence, have you? I'm beyond careful, I'm terrified, B.T.
Terrified is exactly what I was hoping for. People need to be aware of what may happen if I'm not here to protect them from...things. I'm not an alarmist by nature, but I do know what might be lurking, just around the corner. It's not pretty, my friend.
*peers from around the corner*
Hey!! How'd you know I was here?
I'm not sure how to tell you this, spryte, but there would appear to be a double agent within your organization.
BT, I'd watch that Ananta character Verrry closely.
He's too clever by half.
Oh, and by the way BT - Do you know how many houses you have got ???
The Ray guns have shipped plus a few with customized Mighty Hunter homing devices for the missile rack (new models only). Mugabe says he's kind of busy now but Dubja is happy to speak on his behalf.
Eric, I think I know what you're getting at. Unlike a certain OTHER candidate, I make it a point to keep that information at my finger tips. I also make it a point to NEVER divulge it, as it could very well be a matter of national security. Also, I am not worried about Ananta. I also know how many houses he has, as well as their locations.
Sixty! I look forward to accepting delivery. It would seem that I have already acquired a target. By the way, I assume they are battery powered. I do hope you shipped a sufficient number of batteries.
RE: Summit. I suspect that this meeting will not bear fruit. I have spoken with Dub, in the past. I never know what that guy is talking about!
It seems the mighty hunter isn't very mighty. All talk and no action. There has to be someone who can rid us of this evil entity.
I'd like to announce that we're investigating the possibility of an online debate between the major candidates here at HubPages. Questions to the candidates can be posted here and we challenge the voters to come out to see what these candidates REALLY are made of. We expect that in due time several now hidden agendas will be revealed, as well as the true motives for running for office.
Who is to say the candidates will answer honestly? If they do or don't, how would we know for sure? I think they should arm wrestle or something similar. Maybe pitch pennies or something. I hate politics.
SirDent, when have I ever lied to you? I don't even attempt lying. I'm just no good at it. To tell the truth, I don't even WANT to be president. And I wouldn't trust anyone that does. Anyone actively seeking that much power, is certainly up to no good. I do this out of a sense of civic responsibility. So many problems remain unaddressed, and I am sure that I can solve them quickly, and be gone. It's my way of giving back to this great country. No need to thank me. Really.
Ananta, I welcome all questions! I'm sure Mr. Torpey does, as well. I anxiously await this debate. But I haven't seen any activity in his camp, lately. Why don't you come out of the kitchen, and go see what he's up to? (that's right. I know exactly where you are, at all times. you would do well to remember that, sir)
Jackalopes are known for their ways of twisting and turning and beating around the bush, rather than beating Bush. We will know.
Shadesbreath? You out there? As soon as I receive the ray gun shipment, I'll send you a few. Pass 'em out to the guys. I will also enclose airline tickets (first class, of course) to the Netherlands. The Ananta65 situation is starting to get out of control. I would go myself, but I seem to be stuck to a seahores's back, at the moment.
When have Jackalopes been known to tell the truth?
@ Sir Dent:
BT is telling the truth. He tells you up front that he's going to shaft you.
What other candidate has ever done that?
@BT
A Seahore? - The mind Boggles !!!
Greetingds B.T.
I have just returned from a long needed vacation. I have acquire something that may be of interest to you. I have in my possesion at the moment (everythings for sale), 25 rune stones that I have searched out from all parts of the universe, including a master rune from Merlin"s cave (no small feat). All are true runes.
But be advised...should you purchase a rune or two,(and boy, these are expensive..how's your campaign funds going...you may have to dip into them) that in some cases, when unsealed, the runes may be able to drive their bearer insane. Could be the ace up your sleeve too.
The polls showed you were up last time I checked.
Go figure, all of you that have to vote! One single smartass from the Netherlands and the situation is [quote] starting to get out of control [unquote]. This is your president to be. Relying on people that are beyond democratic control to clean up the mess for him. Who are you going to hold responsible and on what grounds? Mr. Shadesbreath won't answer and Mr Evilpants will simply deny to be involved or even in the know...
Eric, thank you for coming to my defense, while I was away. Oh, and for picking up on my Freudian slip, I can't thank you enough. I can't wait til that one hits the AP.
SirDent, if you read the entire announcement, I did say that I was the evil that you know. The other guys are evil that has yet to manifest. That's the worst kind. You don't know when it will come, or what form it will take. And, as I understand it, they may very well be cannibals! I am the obvious safe choice.
Hello again, Ananta. Very clever of you to reprint my words, out of context. The only situation I referred to as being "out of control", is the Ananta situation. But I see you are fast asleep now, and completely vulnerable to subliminal suggestion.
I [BT is good] am in complete [BT is your Friend] control of my [BT is actually kinda sexy] campaign, and will forge on. I do not fear a little smartass from the Netherlands[you suddenly want to send BT some butter tarts]. I welcome your comments, as they present an opportunity to further showcase my problem solving abilities[every time you leave a negative comment, you will dream about your liver being torn out by a vulture, only to grow back and be torn out again].
Third Alien! That sales pitch sounds strangely familiar. Oh yes! That was the pitch I used when I sold you those stones! I believe I told you at the time, there would be no refunds. I recall there only being a dozen stones at the time, though. And some of those look suspiciously like kidney stones. EEEEW! Nice try, though. With your obvious talent, I think you would excel, here: http://hubpages.com/hub/Excrement--Inc-Homepage
Peace Eagle With War in Pocket (???) Carry a big stick sort of thing.
Man this is great thread and hub. funny shit BT
Thanks, DJ. I hope I can count on your vote!
Patty, I like it! For some reason, it reminds me of an early Jackie Chan movie. "Snake In Eagle's Shadow". Know that one?
Its nice of you to admit that some of those stones I received from you were indeed kidney stones, and the rest were just stones. Unlike you, I forced myself to just give them away. But I guess one of them actually worked to some extent as the recipient became the mayor of some small town your people call Detroit.
This mayor is also claiming to be a colleague of yours. Is there any truth to this? Like you, he is also a graduate of Excrement Inc, which I am sure has wonderful classes, but is just not my style.
You should know that I mentioned to you that the runes I have aquired are TRUE runes. They have also been inspected by the lengendary 1stalien and have been found to be the real deal. They have a lifetime warranty and may be returned at any time, although there is a small 15% restocking fee.
There are 24 left at this time. I had to donate one of them to the Metroplex Aeospace Mechanics Garage to repair one of my smaller battle station destroyers that was nearly lost in the quest for these runes.
Thought you may want to add to your ever expanding tool kit, for the "just in case". They all go officially on the auction block tomorrow.
Trust me on this one, DJ. YOU REALLY, ABSOLUTELY SHOULD VOTE FOR BT. He is your man!
*wondering where that came from, all of a sudden*
Mwa-a-a-aaaaaah!
Where is the voter's registration site on this forum? A jackalope in the oval office is worth 2 of Bush or something like that.
Two times nothing still is nothing
Ya got my vote! It's about time that the evil was put right up front where it deserves to be.
That's a Billy Preston song! - "Nothing times nothing is nothin' " haha
Patty...I think Billy Preston"s song was..."nothing from nothing is nothing"
Ananta65 made a pretty powerfull statement. He knows his math.
Isn't that what elections are all about, maths? Aiming your efforts at the right states in order to compensate the result in another?
BT the rayguns are indeed battery operated but they are extra (sorry). But I do have a line in electric eels. They are eco-friendly never run out of power. dont pollute landfills and can easily follow where sea horse go. Remember lots of the Netherlands is below see level. As for Eric's Seahore I ask you! If you want attack the Netherlands you need to breech a Dyke. Seahorses, breech, seahore, dyke geddit.
Innocent bystander, in this election, there is no need to register. I have already taken care of all the details. In fact, the way things are shaping up, there may be no need to vote! I pretty much have this one in the bag!
This 3rdalien guy is starting to seem like an interloper. I wonder if he's related to sixtyorso. Good thing I have rayguns on the way. With the Ronnie attatchment, I will be invincible. There's no defense against a Ronnie Raygun.
Ananta[will send me $10,000] my friend! You[also will send me several thousand D-cell batteries] seem to be unable to make up your mind. You[are devoted to my campaign] say such nice things, and then turn around and[kiss the ground upon which I walk] hurl insults. Please get back to me when you[have rebuilt your bank account] are feeling better.
Thanks for your support, dmrock. Hmm, that name sounds familiar. Perhaps we met at one of my mass hypnosi....I mean campaign fundraisers. I'm glas you understand the issues, here. Perhaps you could explain them to Ananta65.
Darn, these subliminal messages are confusing. I’ve been browsing eBay the entire morning in search for those $ 10,000 D-cell batteries, but I couldn’t find a single one!
I see Ananta also[just send me $20,000, and I'll buy the batteries] types in his sleep. So talented he is!
Glad you got the money and I,m glad you found my q cards too. All you need is a Great smile good camera work and a supporting actress (if if she is Jane).
lmao!! I love it BT.!! Honest!!:)
For me I now have Two great candiates, you and Wiliam F Torpey to decide with!!
I think if you both collaborated, i would be extreamly happy and confident in voting for you, even if it means making a round trip from the UK it will be worth it!
B.T.
I see you go to work early in the mornings. I would have thought you didn't even wake up 'til noon.
alien, I have learned to remain alert at all times. Even in my sleep. I am always being hunted, you know.
@compu-smart-Well hello furry pants! Welcome to the inner sanctum! There was talk of an Evilpants-Torpey ticket, but he seems to have dropped out of the race. Never one to quit, I'll just have to go it alone.
Special announcement: I have decided that my running mate should be someone whose name, and image invoke fear. Charisma be damned. I have searched the world for such an individual. By the way, does anyone know how to get hold of Janet Reno?
B.T.
By the way, the ray gun is a little dated unless it is Pure Ray with the expander. It also accepts the Ronnie attachment. It will eliminate something as small as a germ to a whole city. We refer to it as "the milky way heat" (although it is quite chilling) as they are stamped MWH for the plain jane and MWH/ex for the expander model.
I have an appointment with the Doc. so maybe catch up with you later.
I've been researching that model. It sounds promising. too bad it's not in production, yet. Good luck with the doc. Hope it's not too serious. I didn't realize aliens were susceptible to health issues!
Furrypants!! lol:)
I have just checked that Janet, whom i had no idea was although the name rung a bell, and it my Birthday gallerys that reminded me:) .
She sounds like a tough cookie!
Sorry i cannot help with the batteries! or the 10 or 20 k! but good luck!!
the3rdalien - You're right - I always use a higher order mathematical function...and I live in a tesseract in the 4th dimension. LOL!
sixtyorso - We need 7,000,000 eels to light up Gravy World and Jackalope Sanctuary after the election or coup, whichever it is.
$%#! these alien-infested comment boards, I just lost a paragraph.....
Shreveport is ahead of us with a $4.9 MILLION Chimp Haven primate resort. Probably a casino attached. The Jackalope Sanctuary project must go ahead full steam! We need more land!
Dear B.T. Evilpants,
I am a full supporter for your regime, I mean presidency. I would like to ask a question though? If you are elected president could we take over Cabo San Lucas Mexico, I have heard that they manufacture and have weapons of mass destruction (Tequila, a wmd in my case anyway). I would be more than happy to head up this invasion.
Your faithful supporter.
PattyMS:
I understandtand your language completely. Maybe its that MS thing. But you haven't lost anything, your insight is grand. Although it may be a grand illusion.
It will be an illusion to see 7,000,000 eels light up...
@ BT -
re: "Ronnie Raygun"
ROFL.
Looks like you've picked up a lot of new "talent" on this thread.
Sorry, no time to add any other smart comments.
My team is also busy encouraging people to vote for you. Spike, Lefty, and Wayne the Leg Breaker are working 20 hours a day on your behalf.
I used to know Joe From Jersey (really). Really a nice man ...and effective. :)
Patty Ingish, MS,
You may want to reconsider your thoughts of the 7 million eels. Unlike the small jellyfish off the coast of Florida that give off every color light in the rainbow, these eels give off a white-blue light that when considering the number all at once, will melt both of your planets poles and when remember Noah is long gone. And when the water is high enough to reach the buss bars at General Electric, the folks on far away planets will at first think a new star is born, later they will realize it is a black hole that sucked in jupiter, neptune, etc. and all of B.T.'s work will have been for nothing, except for that great vacuumn.
Well… a reasonably good night of sleep sure helps. Those weird thoughts about batteries and dollars have disappeared.
Patty Inglish, I don’t want to insinuate anything, but don’t you wonder how you lost that paragraph? Are you sure you lost it or could it be that someone (not pointing fingers towards Mr. Evilpants campaign staff, mind you) has stolen it?
Patty it is easy lets move the Jackalope sanctuay, eels, seahorses, Rayguns etc to the Excrement INC Pit. We have all the ingredients for a new universe so who cares about the black hole.
Who cares about a paragraph we can lose the earth into a brand new Universe.
BT you can be president of The sludge universe, USA, Canada and Mexico become small by comparison.
3rdAlien. Bring on the 7,000, 000 Jellyfish if you can find 'em. At least I have the eels in stock and the seahorses to transport them.
I also have an in on the graphic artists in Beijing who faked the singing as well the fireworks so BT we can do anything!
I am a little concerned B.T. (I may call you B.T. mayn't I, most crawlers - sorry, aspiring public saviors, like to get close and personal. you can call me "Sir". Make sure that you spell it correctly!") Here in 'Ens 'Ed we are renowned for our butter, and have a surplus of stale tarts. Do I have your assurance that if elected as the most powerful Jackass, er, Jackalope in the world, you won't immediately invade us in a move of pre-emptive defense, and to free the misaligned and oppressed Opossum from our deliberate attempts of mass extermination using "agent orange"?
I could possibly come to a compromise agreement with you to supply a considerable amount of our finest dairy products on lend-lease, and throw in some of our surplus tarts for free. I can think of several that we desperately want shot of, and the best of luck to you!
Of course to do this I'll require a position of strength. I thought "Puppet God" through mandate of The White Hutch would be a good start. I know several raving lunatics with drink problems that I could put in charge of our Armed Forces, Police, and key government departments. In some cases very little change will be necessary. I believe that we can come to a productive and mutually beneficial accord- (for our countries, not ourselves of course, my intention is purely altruistic just as I'm sure yours is.)
I have had my contacts in the USofA investigate you and your offspring thoroughly. It's a pity about the habits of 53 of your children, who not only eat grass, but smoke it. They apparently also have diverse sexual habits (well dossiered) that would harm your campaign if made public. Wikifootia tells me that jackalopes seldom live beyond 17 years, 5 months 3 weeks 2 days and 11 minutes, so unless you've lied about your age and dyed your hair you are too young to stand. Failing that and you're on monkey glands to prolong your existence you stand a good chance of loosing the monkey vote, a powerful lobby group in your country as it is in mine.
I coincidentally have happened to have placed notarised copies of this and other information concerning you. (eg, 17th March, Riley's Bar; O'Mara's Dosshouse, Chicago) with well paid solicitors in several anti-American dictatorships, to be leaked to the gutter press in the event of my death or disappearance. I just mention this in passing.
I look forward to your imminent election, at which time you'll receive my Swiss bank account number.
Well, Old Firm, since you put it that way, welcome aboard! I can't imagine invading NZ. It's just too damned far away. That would be too much like work! Canada's butter tarts are superior, and much closer to home. I look forward to receiving your Swiss bank information. Rest assured that I have no idea how to hack into banking systems, and withdraw all funds, then disappear into the night! If the documents, to which you referred, actually existed, it would also interest you to know that your entire extended family is NOT currently chained to my basement walls, while I await the return of said non-existant documents and photos.
Thank you so much for your support, and have a great day!!
I see several of you are comfortable chatting amongst yourselves. I think that's great! As your leader, it will be my goal to create diversio... I mean positive discussions on serious issues!
I would like to respond to the gentlelady from Oklahoma, though. With the annexation of Canada and Mexico, Cabo will become a territory of Unicanamerico. I do love a good margarita.
I'm constantly chatting among myself. It's the only guarantee for a sensible response :)
I think, if you tried really hard, you could get someone else to talk to you. I'll bet the dog would even play with you if you tied a pork chop around your neck. Please don't take offense, I'm just trying to help!
Chatting amongst ourselves is called static and if you fall into the slime pit a static line will save your life. So get with the program. Beware of the Old firm it smacks of Billiary or Bush. Billiary can kill Jackalopes and you dont wnt to be caught in a Bush. Beware ole buddy. They only want to give the bank details so they can backtrack your IP address and hunt you down. On second thoughts this could be mighty hunter's third force. Ooh paranoia, fear! O well Nix on that!
Sixty, I learned long ago: It's not paranoia, if they really ARE out to get you! In my case, they usually are. If I lay a few traps, and put out the proper bait, I can usually get to the root of the matter in short order. I noticed that this Old Firm person has been around a while, but hasn't written any hubs. I'm thinking he could be a stalker! You'd be surprised how often I get that sort of thing.
Hey B.T.
Be careful.
The only surplus tart that New Zealanders want to get rid of is their Prime Minister.
In fact, due to the extensive nature of "his" research, I suspect that the "Old Firm" is in fact the New Zealand Prime Minister, trying to get some hints from you about how to run a political campaign.
I've despatched Spike and Lefty to pay a visit to NZ and check out this person. (It's only a short swim from Tasmania)
@ sixtyorso -
after your last few posts I'm seriously starting to doubt your sanity. Are you still taking the pills?
Eric; I thank you for your concern. In fact, the same thought had crossed my mind, regarding Old Firm. I am merely stringing him/her along, in the interest of drawing out more information. I think that, once we're in power, we can declare Tasmania a Sovereign Nation, and New Zealand can be annexed. We'll just keep an eye on this guy/gal, for now. By the way, Sixty was starting to question my ethics, so I was forced to take his pills and feed them to the seahore.
Missed the part about Unicanamerico. Must have stated on those margaritas too early. Sorry I'll try to control my tequila habit a little better from now on.
No hay problema gwendymom! I was doing tequila shooters, myself, when I wrote the hub! As a rule, I only drink tequila on two occasions. When I'm alone, and when I'm with someone. But never at any other time!
"And when the water is high enough to reach the buss bars at General Electric, the folks on far away planets will at first think a new star is born, later they will realize it is a black hole that sucked in jupiter, neptune, etc. and all of B.T.'s work will have been for nothing, except for that great vacuumn."
Aha! Dear the3rdalien -- B.T. plans to take over the Universe beyond that Black Hole! This one is dying anyway. Good planning ahead, I call it -- a 12 year plan through 2020 end of the world!
Dear sixtyorso - I think the 7,000,000 jelly (haha 1st I typed helly) fish are at SpongeBob Squarepants's lagoon.
As for the Mensan Old Firm - The Ohio Chapter of Mensa has only 1 activity per year - Nude Beach Party. I refuse to pay for a membership and then such a party when they should be paying ME. How's it in NZ? What do you Mensans do there?
Ananta_infinty - I'm,like, ON the campaign staff - so it must be mutiny!
Patty! It is not a plan! It is an inevitibility! I hope you enjoy the ride!
I am ready to go!
Leonard Susskind and Stephen Hawking have been arguing about what happens the other side of Black Holes long enough. Let us report back to them our wonderful government! As a friend says. "Today is a good day to die!" and,"Let's roll!"
As if that's any surprising, Patty. After all, divide and conquer is BT's motto, isn't it?
Other side of a Black Hole may be EXPAND and conquer :)
B. T.
You have a great following. I am impressed. I mean really impressed. I know you are going to win now, because if you were to fall down (and I know you won't), they ALL would be there to pick you up. You have support second to none.
And Patty, Patty, Patty. Inglish MS... ... ... You make me laugh too much and smile. I took the advice of a certain friend of mine today and checked out your profile. I would like to take a moment to tell you that you are pretty amazing. I admire your hard work and accomplisments. And you beat my mind up with laughter, and make me think. Thank you so much for that.(I'm smiling) Maybe its the jack and coke, maybe not.
There are a lot of good writers here that have made me smile and downright laugh. Thank you B. T. for inviting me to look in. It has been a nice thing. Now to get you elscted!
B.T.
Sorry about that last word above: One of my new interns obviously doesn't know how to type yet. It was supposed to say ELECTED. There may be other errors, I have'nt proof read the whole thing yet.
We eels will need a big bonus to go work at Gravy World Sactuarium and blast humanity into the Black Hole Mirror Universe under the regime of the great Native American adoptee Antler On Top Of Bunny Head. When do we negotiate, Leader Sixtyorsomething? zzt zzzt zzzzzt Please to excuse our burping...
!the 3rdalien! - "Beating up minds with laughter" is my motto :) Thanks for the compliments <blush> - I won't receive Nigerian monetary scam propositions now, will I? LOL .. and pssst! - Watch out for those burping electric eels! -- unless you wish to help me read and review 7,000,000 resumes....
Patty, Patty, Patty indeed.
and for additional impact, Patty, Patty, Patty again.
I'm surprised that a person of your stature has descended into the depths of the mire contained in this hub.
But then politics makes strange bedfellows.
I just hope that you can maintain your stellar reputation after associating with the various characters - both noble and seedy - that appear in this hub.
How complementarian-like you are, Eric. I shall do my very best to carry on forthrightly :) This is really very enjoyable thus far...
Well B.T., I know you don't have my extended family chained to your cellar walls as they're all chained to mine (with the exception of two, who were vertically challenged, so I have them on the rack to assist them in overcoming the problem.) If you'd like them all for dungeon decorations you're more than welcome, they're costing me a fortune in gruel.
Congratulations Eric, you spotted the painfully obvious, I do want to donate our Prime Monster to a worthy cause, or an unworthy one for that matter and B.T. seems ideal, I'll even throw in some Aussie peanut butter if you'll only take her away- PLEASE. You're wrong though, she's not the only stale tart we have to barter, she's put lots of them in positions of annoyance. So you see, she ain't me. Her parents do live just down the road though. Her dad doesn't talk to me these days - I can't think why.
Your photo shows that you're out to deceive us B.T., a prime requisite of any aspiring leader I may add, with a degree of admiration. You claim to be a Jackalope, an animal of mixed Afro-American blood, but your antlers are those of either the red deer, or the Thar, So you are probably either a Jack-Thar, a nautical animal of 18th or 19th century English origin, or a Redjackette, a small British military animal of the same era, noted for its running ability. Either way, I've uncovered your evil plan, it's nothing but a pommy plot (limey to you) to get the New World back!
That's OK by me, I'm still open to hush money- oops, negotiation. I feel that Patty and your supporters from The Nation may not take kindly to being taken in by a bloke who's ancestors were close associates of the blanket traders. "Puppet God" still has a nice ring to it, even though Idi feels "El Supremo" is more in keeping. I'm not greedy, I'll leave the choice to you.
Have you chosen a running mate yet? I should like to nominate me. I will take the fall for you whenever necessary. "It was me. I ate the baby!" "Yes, your honor, I imprisoned the cheerleaders from the University in the whitehouse basement. The President had no such knowledge of no such thing no how no way." See? I am ready to serve and but await your call.
Patti I have already ready 7,000,000 resumes but the buggers already want to negotiate. It seems to me our virtual Universe will have a trade union (for eels and lighting) before the ministerial portfolios are allocated.
Eric, BT did confiscate the pills but my ideas run riot(er) if there was such a word. Unlike some, I eschew the Tequila diet because I am not fond of eating chrystalised worms.
3rdalien is that Jack and coke a jackalope and coke? We will have to get the DEA on to you (and we have not even formulated a drug policy yet).
Christoph I would have to take a nix on you as a running mate.
The old firm is devious and twisty look at the serendipitous change in direction and the unctuos tone, toadying up to Eric.
BT look to your true supporters. Beware of feeding the seahore she may become as big as Jabba the Hut.
PS are these newbies just pseudonyms for generating hits (Eric I thought hitmen were your territory).
LOL all, just by being in a different time zone ( the twilight zone?) you miss so much.
Sixty, I was wondering if people were thinking that the unregistered comments were me. I think my campaign is just gaining steam. Perhaps I struck a nerve somewhere. Hopefully, they will join HP under my tracking token!
Christoph, I like the idea of having a fallguy around! If Eric turns down my offer, and I can't find Janet Reno, I will definitely keep you in mind! In the meantime, VOTE EVILPANTS!!
Patty! Let's roll? I was thinking hokahey! I wouldn't advise venturing into that black hole. Stephen Hawking told me that the singularity is a killer! I plan on using wormholes to spread my joy throughout our universe, and any alternate universes we might find!
Old Firm, in the words of a famous sailor and world traveller, "I yam what I yam!" And what I yam, is a Jackalope! I sincerely hope you are not questioning my country of origin! Bad things happen to people who cross Jackalopes!
alien, thank you for those kind words. As luck would have it, I am in the market for a minister of propaganda. I mean press secretary.
Ananta, my dear friend! Divide and conquer is not my motto. I prefer: "Do unto others...then run like hell!" I'll throw in my favorite quote, as well: "We has met the enemy, and they is us."
I knew that at the end of the day you'd prove to be just another "one liner" candidate, B.T.
Ah, but the day is not over, yet! I have many more lines in the water! And, not unlike most politicians, I can hold a grudge for a loooooong time.
Since I didn't manage to stay awake while watching The Grudge I don't really feel impressed by that last remark. But - as you say - the day ain't over yet. :)
Devious?, Twisty?, Toadying?, unctuous? WATCH OUT B.T., I've never had such unsolicited praise in one sentence before, Sixtyorso obviously is hedging his bets after my recent revelations of your duplicity. Don't panic, I'm only in this for the power and backhanders. Just keep creaming the campaign funds and passing on my tithe and I'm your loyal supporter for life; or until I get a better deal. DON'T FORGET THE PUPPET GOD BIT!
Incidentally, Mrs B.T. doesn't really come up to First Lady standard. Those 350 offspring haven't exactly enhanced her figure have they? She's also looking extremely haggard. Raising that number of screaming fighting runny nosed part Jackalopes won't give her much spare time to entertain visiting foreign dignitaries, (like ME) or to open fetes, christen nuclear powered pre-emptive defence vessels such as the ones you intend to threate.....I mean defend Canada with. or to gaze adoringly at you when vou deliver vacuous State Of The Nation notions.
Not to worry, The Old Firm to the rescue. We here in God'zown have a fine selection of female Jackawaps; very durable progeny of Westland Wapiti and High Country myxomatosis resistant Jack Rabbits. As part of my proposed "Hinds Across The Ocean" scheme, I can send you a bevvy of these adorable creatures to assist you on all occasions. I don't expect any thanks - just servile gratitude. Annexing some small nearby island and making me Viceroy would in some way help to repay me. I was thinking of Tasmania, mainland Australia doesn't seem to want it.
(DON'T FORGET THE DOSSIERS!)
I welcome your tactics, Old Firm. I did not become the world's oldest living Jackalope by falling pret to every Ponzi scheme to come down the pike! I do not fear these dossiers. Forged documents, and doctored photos are easy to come by, in the computer age. I also suggest you read my hub entitled:"A Jackalope's Revenge", before you continue on this path! Just a word to the wise.
Ananta, I bow to your wisdom[you will sit in a dark room and watch The Grude for 17 consecutive hours].
[thinking]
I can think of people with whom I wouldn't being locked up in a dark room
[/thinking]
Courtesy should always be answered, so I bow to your ehh... craftiness, Mr. Evilpants
Ah Ha, Insults and threats, the political ploy of those on the loosing end of a situation. As I've repeatedly stated I'm on your side old son. I'm sure that you'll do well in your campagn. After all, just look at the opposition! You only have to keep the skeletons in the cupboard, along with all those bright shiney things that you shouldn't realy have and your home and hosed. You realy do need help though, to keep that door from bursting open.
.......I'm sure Tasmania will welcome a change of dict... benevolent leader.
Old Firm, I'm glad that you admit to hurling insults and threats, as well as the fact that you are on the losing end of this discussion. A very refreshing attitude on your part!
Ananta, apparently my misspelling of the word "grudge", has diluted the effectiveness of my subliminal text message. I thank you for your kind acknowledgement of my creative prowess [and you will now watch reruns of Name That Smell" for the next 27.875 hours].
Well, it's two in the morning down here. I can't hang about any longer, things to do. It's time for me to walk around town blowing my "silent" whistle and setting every dog for miles around frantically barking.
This will allow you time to digest my proposition and see its irrefutable merit. Don't delay, the Pizza candidate is courting my knowledge.
Old Firm? Are you asleep? Good. [/subliminal mode=on] When you awake, you will harbor no ill thoughts for the Jackalope. You will abandon your efforts to harm his campaign, and send him all of your money. You will then forget having sent him your money, and spend the next several months looking for the person or persons who stole it. But not before destroying the dossiers, and telling the world it was all a great BIG lie! [/subliminal mode=off]
Pogo called from the swamps:
He's now a Master Electician & MSE and wants to apply for the position of Director of 7,000,000 eels in the next Universe.
We will need a Union Steward since we are already unionized preemptively by the 7 million --
Brothers! - Who will you elect?
[NOTE ON] B.T. - I misread VOTE EVILPANTS as VIOLENT EVILPANTS - more accurate? [/Note Off]
Violent? Moi? Mais non! (need to practice my French, for the annexation). Being as I am already a Teamster, I support the eels' cause. If they have any difficulty in putting together their union, I'm sure the Teamsters have a chapter that would be more than willing to bring them into the fold. I also believe that Douglas Adams has gone on to prepare the next universe for our arrival! The probability drive for my ship, is currently in production!
Then you must annex CODOFIL as well, as they are French preservationists. The eels have their own union, though, outlined on your revenge hub. However, might an eel be double-unioned?
We are not going to receive a ticket from the Starship Relativity are we, probability-wise?
Hey guys! I added the new poll capsule to the hub. Make sure you try it out! Just to make sure it works, mind you. I would never encourage fraudulent voting practices!
Patty, I don't know if an eel can be double-unioned, but I think many of them are double jointed. Does that count?
Many are triple-voting, Yea USA!
Good afternoon B.T.
I hope everthing is going well. That is a nice thought about the press secretary position, but I have not gotten my new interns in line as of yet, they often mis quote me, can't spell too well and generally just bug the ______ out of me. As of now, you may want to consider Eric Graudins,.. he seems to have a handle on vocabulary and your not sure who he's speaking too, thats a plus at any event.
I think Eric can speak to both parties at the same time. (you can't lose) If he is not available you may want to consider Ananta65, he seems to be able to sit on both sides of the fence continuosly quite well. And is still alive.
And to clear things up for Sixtyorso, it was a few jack daniels and coke-a-colas. Tonight its Guinness Extra Stout. I don't do drugs, except for the the cabinet full that my physician has prescribed. Works for me. By the way, did you miss your nap?
B.T., your cunning ploy failed! I don't sleep, I hang from the rafters by my toes.- and I have NO MONEY, (Inland Revenue please note) Keep the hush m--retainers rolling in ol' buddy, I'm still on your side, trust me. The welfare check for your 350 brats certainly makes a substantial slush fund.I promise not to mention that you're also claiming for them under two other aliases.
You should be more cautious of Patty. Beware of Geeks baring rifts. A lobby group of 7,000,000 elective eels is assuredly powerful, but in-depth research I commissioned on your behalf has found them to all be AC-DC, - an ohminous discovery. Their leader is one Maxy Farad, an obvious Commy subversive . There are undercurrents at work here, take care!
An aside to Eric. A couple of drongos called Spike and Lefty showed up at my door this morning looking exhausted and confused. This was apparently their 7th attempt to find me. They'd been severely mauled by three cats, two vicious old ladies and a lame canary. They were VERY polite, so I gave them a six pack of Fosters, was kindly gifted the contents of their wallets and their credit card numbers, and had them put on a bus to Ekatahuna. They left 4 of the cans behind and chundered in a neighbour's letterbox. I never liked the cow anyway.
I was thinking Newfoundland might be nice to govern, B.T.
Osama sends his love.
Dearest Old Firm Fellow Traveler:
"Mobias Electrical Workers Seven Million E(-)" thanks you for donating the corner of your handkerchief plot for their R & D lab/counterclockwise wormhole gateway project. It does, in fact, seem a vortex of sorts awating travelers, conquerers, and Time Antlers.
The photos that the Union sent of Bay of Plenty are marvelous. I must visit and check up on the project punch list. Expect me soon, or late, depending on where you're standing.
Cheers!
PI
Oh Patti MEWS ME how clever. But The 7,000,000 have multipied and now number 10,000,000. and considering their demands I think they will bw well eeled eels. Perhaps eels would be good to send down the wormholes.
The old firm from Tasmania who writes well. Mmm there cannot possibly be two hubbers in Tasmania. Perhaps he is writing under an eelias!
Miss my nap miss the whole bloody hub - you guys comment while I sleep. BTW She is not a seahore she is a normal seahorse and her husband has the children may I remind you or was that another hub another comment?
I am sitting at the Cafe at the end of the Universe contemplating the Singularity. But I am coming back soon. Excuse while I thank the waitress "So long and thanks for the fish"
Sorry, sixty. I missed that entire comment. My babblefish seems to have crawled out of my ear. I am heading out to the Cafe at the end of the universe for my monthly meeting with the Flat Earth Society. Hope to see you there! I'm travelling via wormhole, so I should be there some time last week.
Regards B.T.
B.T.
I am going to miss the 2 o'clock today. I was preparing early this morning at about 5 a.m. when the whole top of my craft was engulfed in steam. It shut down the magnetic shifters and is currently back at the Metroplex being worked on. J. B. probably isn't happy, so you may have to complete the project as he thinks I will be away tomorrow. Have fun!
Ooh! I love cryptic messages! Thanks for the heads up!
B.T.
I assume the meeting with the Flat Earth Society went as planned, as well as that other little difficulty, Project "Blue Box". I would not want it to be in ony one else's hands. You are the Jackelope!
The mechanics at the Metroplex have redesigned the coolant system and installed the extreme upgrade to the magnetic shifters in my craft. Warpshifts are now exhilarating and make wormholes look like childs play. Maybe I take you on a flight this weekend and we see if your antlers can hang on.
I gave to go, have to go for a cruise and break my new baby in,...see the sights and sounds of the universe you live in.
Take care
I see you are attracting a lot of attention to your candidacy, Evilpants, but i'm not at all sure that it is legal for Jackalopes to vote in presidential elections. For the record, I voted in your poll -- but I'm not revealing my choice. My own poll has taken a swing in my direction. My campaign team is watching your progress very closely, and all those little furry things are under close surveillance.
william F. Torpey:
Your campaign team keeping close scrutiny on his progress is gonna just crack his butter tarts! He knows your polls shows you up by a slim margin because you have a relative in Florida. He also knows that you can't trust that ex-convict
William! I see you have linked to my hub. And so prominently too! I thank you for that, and in the interest of "equal time", I have responded in kind!
Sixtyorso, I'm not from Tasmania, I'm a K1W1 fat assed chicken. However,after BT makes me Puppet God and Chief Poo-bah here for my Trojan work on his behalf, (and so he can get his greedy little paws on our butter, not to mention our old tarts, as some Tasmaniac keeps doing, - mentioning, that is) I thought that his gratitude should extend to appointing me Viceroy of that little island. As I said mainland Aussi doesn't seem to want it, or even know for sure where it is. The same reasoning goes for my proposed Governorship of Newfoundland. It has nothing to do with the ever expanding dossiers that I have on him stashed in several hostile countries, trust me.
Patty - You've been reading my emails, I can tell by the way you signed off. I thought at first that the eels were doing their R&D in my garden shed, it's in a corner and shows signs of recent disruption, (a bit like BT's campaign) but it turned out to be the neighbourhood tomcat that was the problem. (a bit like BT's campaign) However, I believe that I've found where they're hiding out. The compost heap. it's absolutely chocka with worm holes and dead tobacco plants, and I discovered all the worms several feet away holding a union meeting. The eels are welcome to stay there. I can keep an eye on their subversive activities and the neighbourhood tom is very partial to eel, as is Wally The Dutch, who lives across the road. Some R&D of my own has shown that if you flash iridescent pictures of Shirley Temple at AC/DC intergalactic eels they self immolate, and taste delicious. Check out my eBay site www.smokedeeldeliveredinstanty.can. (Those wormholes sure beat pizza delivery boys!) I'm well on the way to my first million. You should try it yourself. My free gift to a fellow back-st... supporter of Jackalopes. You've a captive market with members of The Nation.
B.T. - Don't think from what I said above that I'm loosening the thumb-screws. I'm still behind you all the way, trust me. I see that you've eased off the filibustering; Good Move. Your 1&3/4 major opponents are busy self destructing. Someone must be flashing them subliminal images of iridescent Shirley Temples!
Watch your back. Both of those Parties are renowned for passing the Buck, and although a former President had a desk sign in the Oval Office that said "The Buck Stops Here!" he wasn't referring to male Jackalopes. Many think that he wasn't alluding to blame either. As I see it, the USofA is in such a hell of a state right now that neither Party wants to win. Whoever does will have to clean up the mess, and will become very unpopular in the process. Consequently, whenever the polls show one Party has the lead they do something absolutely daft to loose it. They'll probably both instruct their supporters to vote for you, and a lot of good it will do you. One year in office, more hated than Hitler, members of the CIA fighting over which of them will assassinate you, remembered in history with more bad press than Benedict Arnold; then impeached, (If you're still alive) and deported to some small, backward country along with all your hoards of snotty offspring and relatives. Do you want to spend your declining years working as a postman in Little Piddlington By The Sewer?
You need me Boy. Patty sent me the Elective Eels and they're breeding like rabbits in my compost heap, on a diet of old tobacco plants and puha. Even with my little side industry of smoked eel, Wally The Dutch, and the neighbourhood tomcat they're a force to reckon with. I've taught them the basics of duplicity and cowardliness and issued them with shiny black uniforms made out of plastic water pipe. I know how you like shiny things! Once your inaugurated we'll arm them with stingrays and surround the White House with an electric eel fence - 7,000,000 votes AC/DC !
Don't thank me, just give me Cuba.
How did you find out about my relatives in Florida, the3rdalien? That's a top secret that's very closely guarded. Are there Jackalopes in Florida, too?
It was a hunch, a lucky guess. Sometimes you have to read between the lines, put it out there and see what evolves, William F. Torpey.
And as a matter of fact, there are Jackalopes in Florida. Don't know if they are the furry kind, but they drink beer and play ice hockey, I can only speculate how much fun that must be.
I spoke briefly with B.T. this afternoon and your name came up in the conversation. I recall something about a "car in every garage". I have the car, would like the garage. What do you think the chances are?
Have a great Labor Day weekend.
Good hunch, the3rdalien. I drink beer, occasionally, but I don't play ice hockey. As far as the car goes, the chances are pretty good -- as long as I get elected. You can vote for me on my hub (but don't tell Evilpants!)
I've been off having a drink or several with Wally The Dutch from over the road, and the Wall-Eyed Pom.
Thank you for your hub, it's picked up well in the last hours. I guess that for me it has run its course. A number of the latterly replies look as if they came from the same stable; but then who am I to assume. I've met you, albeit by proxy, and a lady of voluminous output. Also so many other clear thinking clear thinkers that my faith in honesty (and stupidity) is almost restored. Good luck in your campaign, don't wipe your bum with large hairy bears, they may object.
Peter.
Sorry to see you go, Old Firm. Not sure what you mean by comments coming from the same stable, though. Feel free to stop by in November, for my inauguration!
I guess the position of Puppet God, is back up for grabs. Any takers? It's only slightly used, and very reasonably priced!
B.T.
You were right. The other candidates listen with one ear. I mention to Torpey about I need a garage and he comes back with the chances are good I''l have a car if he is elected! I might as well have been talking to a wall. Please tell Old Firm not to go anywhere,...he will be missed, and who would you give cuba to anyway?
Thanks, guys. I was in a bit of a brown mood last night. Had just watched the News about your elections and realised that the fantasising I've been doing here was getting too damn' accurate. What a heck of a choice - Bambam and Pebbles or Beauty and the Beast. Our lot are even worse. I can't even use accurate sarcasm for fear of my door being kicked in by the Armed Offenders Squad (again), and my lap-top being dragged of for anti-PC activity. Just to cap it off some bloody alien has broken into my home and gummed up the letter ,... ,... , blast, rhymes with said, or in the USofA, see. Coming from where I do, it makes harbouring your elective eels highly embarrassing. Not only can I no longer report their snide comments on your campaign, I cannot even report their location to the Intergalactic Slime Patrol. Saying that they're high on a diet of old tobacco leaves and puha, and being held in a compost heap in New ealand will only confuse the issue. Keep these tactics up ol' buddy and you can kiss your donkey and any hope of ever being president of anything greater than the local branch of Grey Power goodbye. I'll publish, and be damned! RESTORE IT IMMEDIATELY!
I will now check: , ,ZZZZZ. OK, you're of the hook. Don't do it again.
Cuba is convenient to me. Check my Hub on tobacco growing. I have enough seed to plant the whole island in it and a captive work-force thoughtfully detained without trial in some Bay or the other. They'll be so grateful I'm sure that they'll assist me in arming and aiming my medium range weapons of mess destruction. (They only blow up cook-houses, chook-houses and White...... oops, you weren't supposed to see that)
Oh well, back to the grind. keep up the foul work.
Crikey,
I leave you guys alone for a few days, and come back to the biggest load of hare brained ideas and comments that I've ever seen.
Old firm - It was a mistake to underestimate my envoys, Lefty and Spike.
They're not as silly as they would appear.
They couldn't be!
Suffice it to say that your present problems aren't being caused by whom you think!
And no need to take over Tassie by force. Just buy a few Gunns shares, and you'll be in total charge of the place.
(Gunns is the company who actually run the state, and want to build a world class non polluting pulp mill smack, which is so safe that they only have to pipe their world class totally safe effluent 5km out into Bass Strait. )
@ sixtyorso: "Writing under an eelias" - ROFL.
Your mental powers seem to be back. See, I told you to keep taking the pills.
Now - I find it very strange that a certain brain on a stick named shadesbreath has not commented on this hub.
And come to think of it, I haven't seen BT and Shadesbreath in the same room.
Could this be a plot for him to take over the nation under the guise of a gentle, furry little vote winning jackalope.?
There. It's done.
I've named the horror scenario that would destroy the world.
Eric, me old Tasmaniac, thank you for the kind thoughts and totally useless advice. I overcame the Z problem immediately with threats. As you saw it was restored at once, and I'm now basking in a sulky silence from that quarter. Love to stay and rattle on, but I have to go and play bridge with the other inmates. (A change from basket-weaving.)
I am still around in case you were wondering BT.
I was indeed. I thought you ran off to your mommy, again!
Eric, the reason you haven't seen Shadesbreath and I together, is that you ran too quickly from the pit, over at Excrement inc. When I won the match, he congratulated me by handing me that beer he's holding in his avatar. A great chapter in my life, to be sure!
Old Firm, welcome back! I'm so glad you came to your senses. I see by your new address, that my trust in you is well placed! In a world of basket cases, basket weavers will be prized, indeed!
Patty, Patty, Patty Inglish (for more impact),
I think you should maybe stop sending Old Firm those eels. Its seems like him and his neighbors like smoking eels (compost and all) and that Lefty and Spike have grown acutely acustomed to the dish. My probes tell me that there are 3 mill left out of the 7 mill. The numbers don't add up to what Old Firm has been telling you. Maybe thats why he is a fat chicken, and changed his address.
Alien! Glad you made it back from whatever galaxy you were off to! And please retract those probes.
B.T.
Probes retracted as requested. It took a little doing this time as the one probe became quite fond of that "unbalanced" Spike. But with the dna she aquired, the engineers are making a clone like Spike Probe for her to play with. That should prove interesting.
Glad you are well. Take Care.
What new address? You may still call me "Sir", same as always.
Is The old firm Sir Dent?
This is getting curiouser and curioser as Alice said. Old firm I though you lost your ZZZZ's not your indent (Sir). This campaign is playing out like a virtual virtual second life lots of Atavars and all. BTW i saw an episode of CSI New York which worked murder most foul, second life, atavars and all into the plot. Perhaps the scriptwiter is a hubber. Find him or her and you have a press secretary.
Eric Glad you are back from your concert, missed your incisive commentary. But taking the pills beats the hell out of basket weaving or bridge.
3rdalien I had to remove my own probe, why did you shove that ball bearing thingummy up my nose? What does it do?
BT waited 3weeks back but never saw you at the cafe. Riding wormholes is great fun. If I time it right I can change my name to thirtyorso.
sixtythirtyorso,
A ball bearing thing gummy up the ole nostril, huh? Good thing you were medicated from what I hear. That way basket weaving, bridge, pulling your own probe out... is all the same. Keep taking the pills! and you will discover wormhole riding for real.
B.T.
Thank you for welcoming me back to Earth. I know its been a while. My language interpreters tell me your last post was anal, but what the hell. Good Luck in '08.
Oh dear, B.T., sixtyorso is getting his Sir Dents and his steridents mixed up again, perhaps something to do with t3d getting up his nose in the guise of a ball bearing thingummy. There seems a discrete silence maintained over thirdy's point of exit, (you HAVE exited haven't you t3? Not keeping up an internal correspondence?) Maybe his last comment to you is indicative.
Sixtyorso: Are you feeling all right old fellow? No hot flushes? Internal rumblings? Complan not working? Try taking a swig of Tabasco sauce, I'm told that it's very good at expelling alien objects. Be careful though, it does cause hot flushes.
What an astounding thing the Internet is. Typing with my cloven hooves takes me over a minute a line. (Allowing pauses to stroke my familiar.) transmission to the farthest reaches of the civilized world then takes under 1/16 of a second. (Tasmania over 1/2 an hour, Plaedies yesterday - thanks for the worm-holes Eric-, and PayPal information services, never. Over eight hours later one of you may wake up briefly, misread my artfully concocted assistance, regurgitate some homily, and return to an even lower comatose state. Possibly this is mandatory for elective selectives, (Like the Ronald Raygun attachment, dribbles out the end of the gun and forgets where it's going, but everybody loves it.) Then again you may be only briefly shaken awake for your pills and cocoa by the nice people with the white coats and the butterfly nets.
If this is so B.T., please ignore any nasty things that I may have implied. I meant no harm. Just take several deep breaths whenever the palpitations reoccur and DRINK YOUR COCOA. don't worry about the nasty taste, it'll really make you much better. Trust me, I am behind you all the way.
Old Firm, your comments get curiouser and curiouser! Are you still in basket weaving class, or have you graduated to laniards?
Halyards, sheets and other cordage. I already have a surfeit of chain. Don't push your luck when I get ropey!
The cocoa seems to have done the trick, you appear to have gone back to sleep; I'll expect another irrelevant rely in two or three days. (You should make a great President - but hardly original)
SweetiePie has the makings of great Presidential Vote Invitations:
There's no way I can't get behind a candidate who will almost never steal and will probably not take bribes. Besides, it was your hub that started everyone else throwing their name in the hat for POTUS and you even inspired me to write one too.
Always glad to help! And don't forget, I won't eat your kids, either!
I must admit that I am very disappointed. I thought the hunter would have rid us of you by now BT. You must be a greater Jackalope than he is a man. My hats off to you.
Well thank you. It takes a big man to admit when he is wrong. Never underestimate the resolve of a jackalope!
I visited the Cafe at the end of the universe...no big deal, although the hemp tea was a nice thing. Sixtyorso was slumped over a table with his face in a bowl of jackalope soup they said. I tried to say hello, but no response. Maybe he forgot his pills or what time it was, I dunno.
I took some key members of the Flat Earth Society for a quick tour of the cosmos, and they say they will publish photos of the flat earth soon.
Hope you have been having a good time at Camp Evilpants.
Welcome back, alien! Actually, I went to the zoo. You should read the hub!
You went to the zoo! with all those those jacalope eating monsters?!!!
You are BRAVE
Oh, you don't know me very well! Read the hub, my old friend.
3rd alien is stirring the pot and delusional. He was out of his mind on Alienjuice made from virtual cactus and did not see that I was staring intently through a glass darkly awaiting my wormhole ride back. I was hoping to arrive at the LHR (the CERN project) on Lucern. But alas I just returned home meekly with a slight head cold and a nasal drip.
Old firm seems to awaken periodicallly and ramble. Ian Flemming reincarnated? Jamaica, 007 and dire threats? BTW I don't need Sterident as I have all my own teeth and they are not in a glass.
That was an L of a periodical Sixtyorso. Be careful of returning home with nasal drips, they probably come from Texas. Do you really want Langley Field ratting through your rubbish?
Al Falfa tells me that CERN is no longer at Lucern. (The CERN has turned) You can't travel by worm hole to get to LHR from TCATEOTU, you should use a Ford Prefect and a cern hole.
Thanks for the Ian Flemming comparison, (I wish!) From a bloke who resembles a sawn off Sean Connery that must be a compliment.
B.T.: How about an updated load of lies, I mean pledges, from our aspiring candidate. Wallowing in the good old electioneering game of mudslinging won't raise you above the rest of the pack. Leave that to us, your loyal supporters. (In sods we truss.) After all, there are a number of small, insignificant Islands desperately awaiting my governership. (If you can't manage Cuba, Jamaica will do. (My wife's left me to live on a small Caribbean island.... Jamaica?... No, it was her idea!)
BT in following the Cain Muntiny (Mc Cain that is), why dont you nominate Spryte or Misty as your running mate. On second thoughts Patty woul be great too. They would counter the Palin(drome) effect.
The Old \Firm. Of course I would use the Ford Prefect, if the wormhole failed!
BTW thanks for the fish.
Sawn off Sean Connery.mmm, ta for that. I have been told Donald Sutherland?
B.T.
That was some trip you took to the zoo. At least you came back to your senses and are staying in the race for the White House.
One of my interns took a photo of why that poor, defenseless little kitty had such a terrified look on its face. I will send you a copy.
Take care
Sixtyorso,
Are you telling me that when I rapped my knuckles on your head (repeatedly) at the Cafe at the dgde of the universe that you were so intent on that wormhole ride to the LHR that you did not notice?
When you weren't responding, I called the Cafe paramedics! They told me you frequently get a little anebreated but they love you, You leave all your money behind as tips. I also learned that you have a reservation at that table at all times.
When I left, they were taking you out on a strecher, I asked them to please pull your pants back up. They said you would be ok, they deal with you often, and that you may show signs of nasal drip for a day, but it is really that jackalope soup you were inhaling through your nose coming out all over the floor.
They said you may have a headache for a couple days, but nothing new, all their patrons have a headache for a couple days.
Glad you made it back.
Sixtyorso, Donald Pleasence?
Your Earth scientists have done it. They have lauched the LHR(CERN) project in the quest to discover the origins of your universe. It may make many small black holes that could suck your planet into nothingness.How your governments allowed this EXPERIMENT to take place is inconceivable in my world. It may take up to 4 years to see any results. The Mayan's and their calender come to mind. Dec. 2012. THE END.
Patty Inglish MS,
Maybe you should fasten your seatbelt for that ride you were looking forward to.
But I suppose you will be as good as any President until then.
Take care.
Are you implying that CERN will take us down the gurgler 3D? that makes it a looCERN. Al Falfa will be delighted.
Old Firm. Well picked up.
3rd alien. In the singularity you have multiple parallel Ids and the one you saw misbehaving so badly was my placeholder. The placeholder (like a bookmark) is required as matter cannot be destroyed. So while I am worm hole travelling, the placeholder must exist until I arrive on the other side.
My alter id was taken out on a stretcher to prevent the patrons from beholding the ghastly sight of the id dissapearing in a sonic mini bang. So every time I go the cafe at the end of the universe this subterfuge is required. But you should know this.
The CERN thing is worrying all at the cafe (CATEOTU) as the earth may disappear down the wormhole toilet.
Surely not, Sos. I only have a pocket handkerchief section as you probably know and a bloody great eight thousand mile through globe popping out of a worm-hole in my compost would play merry Hell with my leeks. You must mean "black hole toilet". There's quite a famous Black Hole in Calcutta it may appear through, and as that's much nearer the equator, probably no-one other than a few puzzled astronomers would notice that we were one diameter out of position.
PS: You must travel by a very old model worm-hole. In all the new ones you arrive before you leave, which is why worm -holes never end where they begin.Otherwise you'd be back in time to kiss your arse goodbye.
For the love of God, please read the update, above! It could save your life!!!!
My womhole is so old it is now new by going back to go forward!
Eeeeew.
Coming back here after a couple of weeks R&R and being confronted by a mental image of Sixty's wormhole is making me quite ill.
Good to see you're keeping up the good fight BT.
BTW - I've put a good word in on your behalf to prevent your burrow from being foreclosed upon, and your wife and several hundred children being thrown onto the bare, bare meadow. Would not have been a good look for a presidential candidate.
Quite a spread you have there.I dropped in to visit, but you were off campaigning somewhere.
Just confidentially, I've been told that lending money to Jackalopes a few years ago was the catalyst for the problems now being experienced in the global financial system.
Hope you can fix it all when you get into office.
(I'll have to read all the previous posts to get up to speed with what's been going on)
Cheers,
Eric G.
[secret propaganda machine = /on] BT Evilpants, please see new rumors planted to give you more mystique and attention in the 2008 Presidential bid at bottom of page at http://hubpages.com/hub/Childhoods-End [secret propaganda machine = /off]
An interesting update. Is it true that the daisy chain you allude to is actually a family home video of your fraternal Grandparents? As there are three, at least two must be of the same sex - Does this explain your past affiliation with AC/DC eels?
At the polls, will hulking great bunnies in tutus be standing around the ballot boxes threatening "pleathe Vote for Evilpanths or I'll thmack you with my powder-puff?"
Is this the real reason you wished Tinkerbell the Bear gay?
Is the CIA barking up the wrong tree? (again!)
The prolonged silence is worrying. I hope that the current financial reversal hasn't driven you into jumping from a tall building in Wall Street. (Or into a small alligator in the nearest zoo.) If you've gone bust like Dolly Parton we can always find a welfare home for you in Ekatahuna. bring your extended family, I am told that the locals like venison and rabbit stew, and you always have Lefty and Spike to reminisce with.
PS: Things aren't to flash down this way either. However the elective eels are still multiplying faster than an IBM computer so we could possibly co-operate in an "Elvers Across the Ocean" scheme to rescue your flagging campaign. Don't thank me, just don't try to give me America, I've enough problems of my own.
Silence of the lambs heh heh
Unfortunately, a change in schedule, has all but eliminated my time at this computer. Rest assured, I am still in this race and fully expect to take the reins in January.
Baa, humbug, or in this case Jackalope.
Glad to see you're still extant and scratching behind your ear with a hind foot. that should look interesting at your inaugeration if you make it. Don't forget to put on your incontinence pants. ("His archers compass me round about, he cleaveth my reins asunder, and doth not spare; he poureth out my gall upon the ground" (Job xvi. 13))
Poureth out my gall? Talk about an Herculean task! I'm told I have more than enough gall to go around!
The French Dissection?
As in the rude T-shirt, all that's missing is "u".
I was in Marseilles France yesterday The Gauls are coming! Sorry guys limited internet access.
Serves me right for making Biblical quotations. Job seems to have been a miserable sod, anyway. Shortly after my last comment I was hauled off to our main regional hospital because a gall stone had decided to to clog up the works in my bile duct, so I couldn't poreth my gall anywhere. Problem now solved and I can again vent my spleen upon the passing menagerie.
So it was you lurking around France the other day, Sixtyorso, (or was it lurching, that rough red can sneak up on you?) I wondered where the smell of garlic and unshaven socks was coming from.
Watch out for Sixtyorso's Gauls, B.T. They are noted for turning unpalatable lifeforms into very savoury meals.
Darn! If only I had known about your candidacy in time! Joined hubpages too late in the day. Any chance you'll run in 4 years?
I never say never, Peggy...
YOU ARE FREEKIN HILARIOUS. You are truely briliant
I voted for you, but not the alter egos. :-))
Zsuzsy Bee Level 3 Commenter 3 years ago
B.T. Can an out-of-town-er vote for you? I'm just a little north of you just across an invisible line? I would also like to offer my services as official butter-tart consultant. As you know there are none better then mine. You could call me your foreign baked-goods minister. It will not be necessary to pay me for my services, as I've been winning lotteries from allover the world and sadly quite a few of my up till now unknown relatives have been croaking and lucky-me are leaving my their fortunes. I honestly think you're the right bunny oops I mean body for the job. Invading Canadian territory will not endear you to anyone here so that would be an ill-advised move on your part.
B.T. FOR PRESIDENT! Vote for the evil one! He does NOT eat children! Vote, Vote, Vote for the cute antlered bunny. Just planning the wording for of the lawn signs. What do you think? Vote for Zsuzsy as the foreign baked-goods minister.