Nuggets In Space: HubNuggets Strike Back

You may have already noticed that I'm not B.T. Evilpants. Commander Evilpants has been detained, as have the entire HubNugget team. I'm afraid there's been an incident, but there's no need to panic. HubNugget Hank is here to deliver some hot, fresh Nuggets for your approval. As you know, the HubNuggets must go out every week, without fail. So I've taken the heroic measure of commandeering CDR Evilpants's account to get these Nuggets into the hands of the voters.

As you may recall, I was kidnapped last week, along with the HubNuggets. At least that's what the team was told. The truth is that I had higher orders; orders that circumvented the traditional HubFleet chain of command. Admiral Menayan had no idea where I was, and immediately assumed the worst. Commander Ruud was a little more compassionate about the whole matter, but was equally clueless as to the situation.

My covert mission, which came straight from Fawntia Prime, was to take the HubNugget Report into the Hoochie-Koochie sector of the Andromeda system in search of an anti-spam virus. I had isolated a few specimens when Lt Commander Ripplemaker stumbled upon my location. Unfortunately, I was beamed back aboard the Hubbertise before I could take the proper precautions with my virus specimens. That's when the outbreak began.

The three virus samples I had procured somehow merged while we were being transported. The resulting super virus was able to mutate, at will, into any virulent form it chose. The moment we landed in the transporter room, it went through a rapid progression of mutations in an attempt to find a host. It started as swine flu, then quickly mutated into avian flu and even the dreaded One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Fortunately, the team had been immunized against all of the flu strains that are known to be attracted to HubNuggets. All, that is, except one.

The whole scene played out in a matter of seconds, and when the super virus had finally found a home, the HubNugget team was faced with the worst scenario they had ever encountered. They had to don their protective suits to draw this week's picks from the most lethal batch of Nuggets to date…

Captain Shirley took the lead. Unfortunately, her protective suit had a small tear in it. She had barely opened the Andromeda Nuggets when she stopped dead in her tracks and looked around the room with a blank stare. She ran off to her quarters in a mad frenzy. She didn't return until some 20 minutes later, and that's when the team knew something had gone horribly awry. The good captain was wearing a frilly dress and appeared to have gone off the deep end with a curling iron. At that point, Captain Shirley broke into song. She made it through two verses of The Good Ship Lollipop, then ran off into the darkness of the engine room, cackling all the way.

Ripplemaker had decided to stay on Hoochie-Koochie for a while, so RedElf stepped up. That little kitty had courage to spare, but after seeing what had happened to the captain, she decided to bring the security officer with her. Together, RedElf and Szuzsy Bee took a stab at the tainted Nuggets.

RedElf was the first to succumb. She leaped away from the Andromeda Nuggets and began to furiously chase her own furry little tail. Zsuzsy held on valiantly, trying to make her final selection, but could only last a few moments longer than RedElf. Before anyone could stop her, she was on all fours and chasing RedElf's tail as well. Try though we might, we couldn't stop them; so we moved them onto a treadmill, where their incessant running in circles is being used to produce auxiliary power for the ship.

B.T. Evilpants never even made it into the room. He popped his head into the room, then shouted something about butter tarts in geosynchronous orbit, then jettisoned himself into space. I really hope he remembered to put on a space suit. We'll swing back around to look for him when the voting is through.

Being cybernetic, Sci-Pi was best suited to deal with the Andromeda Nuggets. She held on to the bitter end, and even made up the picks that the others weren't able to finish. The virus mutated at least a dozen times in an attempt to compromise her mental faculties. It finally showed its true face, and that was more than Science officer Patty could take.

Turns out the super virus that had infected the Andromeda Nuggets was, in fact, Gilbert Gottfried. The moment he started to talk, Sci-Pi's circuits completely shut down.  She covered her ears and shouted "The voice! That insidious voice!!!"  She was completely defenseless. Sci-Pi sat down, right there in the middle of the Nugget vault, and began to recite PI. When she made it to the 4 thousandth decimal place, we decided it would be best to drag her off to the infirmary to recover.

The crew is currently convalescing in their own padded rooms, now (except B.T., of course. He's still doing a space waltz with imaginary butter tarts). RedElf and Zsuzsy are still generating our power, and the last time I checked in on Patty, she had Pi figured out to the 26 thousandth decimal place and was still going strong. We were able to get Captain Shirley back into her uniform, but she's still singing Shirley Temple songs. We've tried to help her. We requested something by ZZ Topp, but she wasn't taking requests.

Feel free to send them your best wishes, but the folks in the infirmary are pretty sure this will run its course in time for the next batch of HubNuggets. In the meantime, be sure to read and vote for your favorites from this batch!

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, maybe you should take a peek at Captain Shirley's HubNugget Q&A hub. It gives a detailed rundown of what we look for in a potential HubNugget. If you're still not sure, your best bet is to join now, if you haven't already, and give it a try for yourself. It's free, it's fun, and you might even make some money!

If you see your name in the list of Wannabes, don't worry; we've disinfected the Andromeda Nuggets completely, so it's safe to promote them. Get your friends and family over here to vote! We're almost positive they won't catch the virus.