Twas The Night Before Christmas (In Hell)
65Postcards From Hell
T'was the night before Christmas
and I was in Hell (Michigan).
The family had gathered
that never goes well.
The kids were complaining
and dinner was late.
The guests all were snockered
on rum soaked fruit cake.
Then the fighting began
and I needed a break.
I hopped off to my bunker
and made good my escape.
I was plotting revenge
on those people upstairs
when I realized I wasn't
alone in my lair.
A sneeze I did hear
from the closet it came.
It scared me to death
but I went, just the same.
I crept to the door
from which the sneeze had issued.
But I had no intention
of offering a tissue.
I yanked open the door
and flicked on the light.
What stood there before me
was a fearsome sight.
T'was a very fat man
all dressed up in red.
With a sack in his hand
and a hat on his head.
I asked "Who are you?"
"And why are you here?"
His eyes flashed in anger.
I stepped back in fear.
He said "Hello B.T."
"It's been a long time"
"I haven't seen you
since before you were nine."
"You've been on my naughty list
all of these years."
"But you still can repent
and spread Christmas cheer."
"B-b-but you can't be real"
I nervously said.
"This must be a dream,
I'm asleep in my bed."
At The Gates Of Hell
He said "I'm no dream
and you would do well
to remember these words
lest you end up in Hell." (no, the other Hell)
"I've sent RMR
to stand guard at the gate.
He's your creator,
in his hands, lies your fate."
"You must change your ways,
make amends for your past.
It's a cold day, in Hell
and it may well be your last."
The hair on my neck
stood on end, and I felt
a chill work its way through my jackalope pelt.
"It's too late for me!"
I cried out in fear.
"I haven't bought gifts,
and I've been evil all year!"
"I've rigged an election
and I showed no real class.
I wrote a mean hub
about my wife's hairy ass."
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"It's never too late"
said the jolly old elf.
"The most valuable gift
can't be bought off the shelf."
"I'll give you a hint
as to where you should start.
The best gift of all
you've kept locked in your heart."
My eyes welled with tears.
His words struck a nerve.
"I must give of myself,
like these good folks deserve."
I ran for the stairs
leaping two at a time.
I burst through the door
and I broke out in rhyme.
"To my loved ones and friends
gathered here in my home,
I give you my thanks
for the love that you've shown."
"I offer my heart
and I hope to repay
all the goodwill and memories
I've taken away."
My guests stood there speechless,
their jaws all agape,
wondering just how much
of the rum cake I ate.
Then uncle Mort spoke up,
he'd just flown in from Dover.
"Grab your wishlist, everyone
'cause Hell just froze over!"
So I circled the room
giving big hugs to all.
My wife was so shocked
she had to lean on the wall.
But sleight of hand
has long been my knack.
Nobody noticed my fingers...
crossed, behind my back.
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ROFL! Very nice BT! I have to admit that you had me scared for a moment. I thought you would actually repent and not be evil anymore. What fun is that? :D
Nice snow you have there in hell. ;)
B.T. if I have said it once Ive said it a thousand times (or should have) you're a frickin genious!
This is fantastic, B.T.! I guess I didn't realize, though, that jackalopes had fingers. I just assumed you had cloven hooves to match your horns... um, I mean antlers.
I can see myself telling my kids and grandkids the story of "The Night Before Christmas In Hell" for many years to come. Almost brings a tear to your eye just thinking about it, doesn't it? Truly brilliant! Way to go B.T.
You guys are way too kind. I just kinda scribbled this one out, quickly. And, by quickly, I mean 4 or 5 hours! My brain is killing me!
Ho Ho Ho,
that was great I needed the smile.
TMG
Glad I could deliver one to your stocking, TMG.
That was a good one even though you live in Hell, Mich. I do believe Hell is the frozen tundra of Wis.
That probably more than qualifies, moonlake!
Hoe de Ho Ho Ho! I'll go therfore forward from this day, and verily I wilt be good also..... NOT!
hot dorkage, I hope your fingers were crossed as well!
Amazing, of course! This should be done up like those oversize night-before story books of the 1950s that were covered with glitter to resemble snow. Just use red, yellow, and orange for the fire. Big bucks!
Thanks, Patty! I was thinking about a pop-up book.
ha ha! Complete with a link. I'm reading this version to my nieces and nephews this year.
Hey, thanks! There's nothing like free publicity! I hope it doesn't scare the little one's, though.
Since you are now so full of goodwill, DON'T forget MY Christmas present!
P.S This was a really great one. I am smiling for real. I have to thank you for that.
Mate what more can I say but bloody great! The guys from Hallmark will be knocking on your door with a contract!
And thank YOU for the kind words, my alien friend. Apparently I just needed a day off from work, to refresh my...oh hell, who am I kidding? I was just screwing around a bit.
Ag, kind of you to say! Re Hallmark: Don't I wish! Thanks for stopping in!
This inspired me, so I am in the process of making your Christmas present. Its custom, so you can't just buy one. I will have Santa drop it off .
P.S. Just so you know, Santa is one of my employees. I am happy the snockered old fart (on your fruit cake) did his job right for once.
Aha! I always suspected he was an alien! And a drunken one, at that! I'll bet those aren't even real reindeer!!
A true touch of genius BT - very funny, thoroughly enjoyed it - btw clever the way your paws don't show in your photo! ..... cheers
Those reindeer are real alright. They dance and they prance, waiting for good old Santa to finish all those cookies and milk that people leave for him the world over. But now the reindeer have gps, so if he has a little eggnog, its ok.
Thanks, ajcor! The reason you can't see my paws, is...umm...a nasty toe nail fungus. That's what it is. Honest!
GPS, eh? Brilliant! I've heard that's alien technology. The evidence against ole Mr. Kringle seems to be mounting...
Ole Mr. kringle is clean. GPS is alien tech, its my invention, among others that will revolutionize your life. The key thing is the hearfelt goodness that Christmas brings out in all of us, alien or not.
Truer words were never spoken. I reach across space to shake your little green hand. Or are you one of the grays? I'm a little bit color blind.
It doesn't matter,
MERRY CHRISTMAS! My Friend.
Excellent! You're a regular Dr. Evilsuess! I'm a big fan of scaring the kiddies. Maybe you should have someone die? (Ok...that's a little harsh. Throw up maybe?)
Very funny Mr. Evililpants!
hmmm.....nasty toe nail fungus BT - hope your Christmas huggees don't catch it from the Christmas hugger - could cause further fracas amongst your rels. - along with rum soaked cake ... but maybe by the time it surfaces they won't remember where they have been and who went with them..........lol
Funny that, I was just sayin to the missus t'other night, "we will have to close our borders because that nasty tnf is spreading and before you know it we will have nails dropping off all over the place. If it spreads to our hands how are we gonna pick our noses" She was pretty disgusted!
My stocking is empty I need some rum cake
Please deliver it to me for Heaven's sake..
For hell is for no one except maybe lopes
But your fingers? were crossed.so there is hopes
Your heart is big and I know it is true
Here's a Hug especially from me...to you (((HUG)))
MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR...G-ma :o) Hugs
Merry Christmas to you, too 3rdalien!
Christoph! When mixing copious amounts of alcohol, with ancient fruitcake, I fear that a certain amount of vomiting may be in the cards. So you may just get your wish. Also, I am now considering Dr. Evilsuess as an alter alter-ego! See what you've done? Thanks for popping in for a read, and a chat!
ajcor, I just couldn't bear the thought of sending my guests home empty handed. I'm just tryin' to spread the joy!
ag, you are absolutely correct. Once that tnf gets a toe hold, you just can't shake it. Eternal vigilance is the price of fungus-free nails, my friend. Remember that.
G-Ma! Your kind heart shines through in the comments you leave, may your wishes come true on this next Christmas Eve! Thanks for coming by, and Merry Christmas!
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Cute! :)
I've read all your words,
And heard the great sigh,
from family and all,
For it's just a big lie.
You've no loved ones,
No friends, just bribed hangers on,
Failed in politics, bereft,
With your antlers all gone.
Be decent, be real,
And stop all this scam,
Be jackalope pie,
Save us buying a ham!
Thanks, Justmesuzanne, it was fun to write.
Old Firm, be nice,
it was only a poem.
And those people laid waste
to my beautiful home!
I hugged them and fed them,
and got them all drunk.
It was more than they merited,
those miserable skunks!
Since when do evil Jackalopes do poetry? I tell ya, this holiday has just gone straight to hell... HELL, I TELL YA!
In my day, we had corny-ass animated Christmas cartoons and shitty wooden toys... and we THANKFUL to have that!!!
I remember the toys, and I still love the corny-ass cartoons! I can't seem to get enough of the Heat Miser! Thanks for visiting Hell. Come again!
I THINK I remember the Heat Miser... and isn't there a new Christmas cartoon featuring him and his counterpart, the Ice Miser?
Yeah, but it's just not the same. It's kinda like bugs bunny without Mel Blanc. *sigh*
'Nuff said...
Hi B.T.
I think it must be snowing like hell in Hell right now (Mi). At least it is Redford. I took my mountain bike for a ride to the liquor store a few minutes ago and it was a regular blizzard out there. (before you ask...the store is 5 blocks away, the bike is easier and quicker than the caddy, considering wiping the snow off, defrosting the windsheild, etc.)
When i got back with the Grey Goose and papaya juice, I bumped into my next door neighbor. She asked me what the Hell kind of sound system do I have? She said she can hear it but it doesn't bother her, but it must be something. She asked me if I could play some B.B.King. I am going to play some of that nice music on that cd you let me borrow and let her hear some horns for real. Maybe someday I let her know you played it. Thanks for the music, best Christmas present for me ever.
B.T., B.T., Tinkerbell broke into my office last night and wrote you nasty poems on my computer. I've made him write out "I will use iambic pentameter correctly in future" 100 times and have confiscated his Cliff Richard records.
FOR SALE: 23 well worn Cliff Richards records (That's Cliff, not the records) and one badly framed picture of the Mighty Hunter with a recipe for Jackalope stew stuck to the back.
FREE TO A GOOD HOME: One gay Grizzly in a bright blue tutu and at the moment suffering from writer's cramp.
(Mel Blanc? Where do you think that I got "wabbit" from?) - And don't forget Updoc!
Old Firm,
What kind of shit are you on? I hope you are not too embarrassed in the morning. And I hope you get rid of that writers cramp soon.
3D, It's midday here, a nice sunny one. About time to get in to shorts to do a bit of suntanning, May even pick a few dozen strawberries to go with the bubbly later on - BTW, how's the blizzard going ol' buddy? EAT YOUR HEART OUT!!
3D: you obviously haven't been following the saga of Tinkerbell, the bear that B.T. had Spryte turn gay. Check his hub:
A Jackalope's Revenge
And it's not me with the writer's cramp, it's Tink'
Cheers.
Your pretty cool Old Firm, even when on the verge of having a heat-stroke.
I hope you don't eat TOO many of those strawberrys later with the bubbly, they have a nasty way of clearing up your complexion.
Thank you for the laughs
You are hilarious!! I love this. I shared it with my whole family. They roared! Keep up the good work. I look forward to your next one!
Tootles!!
Hello alien, and Old Firm! I see you are engaged in a lively debate, so I'll just leave you alone.
Nayberry, thanks for the kind comment. I'm glad you and your family enjoyed it!
Extraordinaire hub, they should be giving you a 100 for this! I enjoyed reading it.;-)
hohoho!!!! :-0)))
Thanks hibiscus_mel. Feel free to look around. You may find more to laugh at!
B.T. Such classy poetry need to be in a pop-up book I swear. You are a marvel hubber dear Sir B.T. It warms the insides or maybe it was the hot apple cider Hmmm
regards Zsuzsy
Thanks Zuzsy! I'm always thrilled to hear fom you! I loved your quilts, too!
Seems like I'm jumping into a Family Affair, but I've done it before. Mr. French says I should stop but I just get all smarmy during the holidays. Hvae been ever since my son accidently killed a jackalope whilst out hunting for possum for breakfast. Thanks for the reminder to check the actual alcoholic content of my rum cake this year....... I always thought it was the fruit cake that was doing me in!
(Great post!)
This is so funny! Im gonna send the link to my Mom and sister. They'll just love it :)
Thanks, Ardie. Glad you liked it!
Anne4153, family issues can certainly get complicated quickly! Also, don't worry, I won't hold your son's lopacide against you. These things happen.
Anne4153, it'll be a fruit cake that does B.T. in if Tinkerbell ever catches him on a dark night.
I see your little cloven paw-prints all around Teapot Dome B.T. Are those Elk horns you're sporting, sport? Now I've sussed the reason for your recent sortie to Washington - You were programming Bam Bam to make you Secretary of the Navy. Watch out for Popeye, he's already got the Olive Oyl franchise.
Elk horns? Are you suggesting I've had implants? As for Washington, I guess we'll just have to see what we see.
Try a few of these, Old Firm. They have a calming effect. http://hubpages.com/hub/Easy-No-Bake-Christmas-Coo
Thanks for the link. I left my world infamous (well, it will be after this) recipe for Soused Strawberries there. At a pinch you can leave out the cream - and the strawberries!
And BTW, implants? Heaven forbid. I merely assumed that with appendages like that you were in some fraternity or other. If not an Elk then definitely a very odd fellow.
Very cute!
OMG, RMR! That was great! Hope you and the family have a wonderful Christmas!
Hey, Old Firm, I'm familiar with that recipe. I usually do leave out the cream and the strawberries.
Karen N, thanks for the nice comment. Glad you enjoted it.
Virginia Dan! How's tricks? I hope you have a great Christmas, too! Stop by any time. I'll put on some coffee.
Snowed like Hell all over Hell today didn't it? I know you experienced some of the the conditions I did today. I hope you got home safely with the 4 wheel drive.
I listened to the music, and it was a real thing. Diversified and very clean. Nice, to say the least. Now, you have to come and hear it, I don't think there is no way out of it. Its a both ears full, sometimes makes you think one amp went out because of the subtleties and the quiet and then the rage happens and you know both amps and speakers are working fine. A real treat. Thank you.
Also, Jh does have a nice space. What a trip that is. There was a cool tune, if you like "Jiggle it"! Teenager stuff. lol. Check the blog and you can see it, lol.
To the rest of your fans, fanatics and contributors to hub pages,...Thank you so much for the information and the laughs, It has been a nice thing for me to look. Happy Holidays.
And to OLD firm,
I hope all those strawberrys aren't making your pinky PINK.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVREYONE
3rdalien, 10 inches of snow is a bit much, but it's welcome in Hell! Glad you enjoyed the music.
3d: Thanks for the concern but no, my pinky's in the pink. Nor is the rum giving me a red nose - I must be doing something wrong. Have a great Christmas,
Now I know that face: Jeff Dunham's terrorist dummy, "Akbar" I think. Hilarious... "I kill you!!"
nice hub wish you a happy holidays
Thanks Lgali! Happt holidays to you too!
CW, good eye. I was actually trying to put some wings and a halo on my avatar, and my computer froze up. Then it started laughing and spit this pic out. What can I say? I guess it fits.
Love it! Thumbs-up!
You are too kind, Shirley! I think this was my one and only forray into the world of poetry.
Can't wait to see the love poem for Valentine's Day or the one you do about the Easter Jackalope. :)
Very nice!! Or, maybe not nice, but enjoyable!
Thanks k@ri. I appreciate the kind words!
OMG! B.T., I have written Night Before Xmas poems each year for my newsletters; I'll have to publish a couple. So very, very funny. I love your sense of humor as it is very much like mine!
Well thanks! I do believe we'll get along just fine, ljrc.
WOW - too funny - LOL - Luv It - Kudos!!!
mistyhorizon2003 Level 7 Commenter 3 years ago
Brilliant, a huge round of applause for this BT, excellent work and very funny too :)