Where Have All The Jackalopes Gone?

There was a time when we roamed freely across the land. Thriving in the glorious climate of the mid-west United States, herds of the great American Jackalope could be found in abundance. Grazing, hopping about, playing harmless pranks on each other (and on the occasional hapless human who wandered too close to the herd). Life was good.

Then the hunters came. Killing with great prejudice. Our numbers were decimated. Our pelts, and antlers were sold across the country and, in fact, the world. This slaughter went on for 50 years, until there was but a handfull of us left.

We were forced to take refuge in the unexplored wilderness. For another 50 years, not a single Jackalope was seen by human eyes. The government, in their infinite wisdom, placed us on the list of protected species. Still, we remained in hiding. As you may know, once a thing is declared "Off Limits", it becomes more attractive than ever. As poaching increased, we were forced even deeper into the thickets, where no man dared to go.

Eventually, the Jackalope fell from the memory of humankind. As later generations came along, we were thought to be extinct, and more recently have been called cryptids. For those who may be unfamiliar with that word, a cryptid is an undocumented species (think Bigfoot, or Nessie). We had been expunged from history.

I have recently begun to research my family tree. In doing so, I discovered that much of my family is deceased. Digging a little deeper, I learned that Jackalopes no longer enjoy a place on the lists of endangered, or protected species. Needless to say, that left me completely wankum-jawed. I had to know more. I found numerous reasons cited for our removal from the lists. Among them were the following: An innate bad disposition, a hazard to public safety, a nuisance species with a proclivity for general mayhem.

At a press conference, a prominent U.S. senator gave the following explanation: "The American Jackalope has been classified as a cryptid. Simply put, they do not exist. We cannot continue to enforce laws to protect the nonexistant. This government is not in the business of perpetuating myths, or entertaining such fairy-tales as Jackalopes. I will not be taking questions today. Thank you."

Well, this was obviously another attempted cover-up, by our government. Pure doublespeak. How could we be a public nuisance, and nonexistent at the same time? As I continued to nose around, i discovered some truly frightening things. Among them were secret government Jackalope mills, and research surrounding military potential for a breed of superlopes.

I have even heard rumors that a few of these hybrids have escaped into Canada, and wreaked havoc upon several residents, and a few unfortunate bakery proprietors. They seem to have an almost maniacal urge to hunt butter tarts, and a few other Canadian delicasies. I suspect this is the origin of recent reports of dangerous, or evil Jackalopes.

I also suspect that the medicinal value of our antlers has been discovered, and we are being harvested for profit. There seems to be a market there, that can be controlled and taxed. There are rumors of an anti-lope conspiracy that goes all the way to the Whitehouse. Another case of wholesale eradication of a species, in the name of the almighty dollar.

I make this plea to our government. In the name of all that is good, please restore our protected status. Stop these experiments, and leave us to live in peace. Barring compassion on your part, I would warn you that we have been fortifying our numbers. If you do not grant this simple request, we will have no choice, but to defend ourselves. Trust me when I say that nobody wants that.

I'm not unreasonable. I would support a limited season on Jackalopes. We breed more than any other animal, and I know it can get out of hand. It would also help weed out the stupid, and thereby improve the overall quality of the gene pool. But this year-round witch hunt must end. Just look at what has become of Sasquatch, and Yeti. Once productive members of society, now relegated to hiding deep in the forest, or high in the rarefied air of the Himalayas. And still the hunters come looking for them. A pathetic existence, indeed. Living off of the leavings of formerly lesser animals.

To further illustrate the atrocities we have suffered, I have posted this graphic photo (above right). I found it on a website, shamelessly trying to make a profit from Jackalopes, and Jackalope parts. These were my parents. Those sad looking antlers on my dad are falsies. A poor replacement for the tall proud antlers that were taken from him. And they didn't even try, with mom. Raped of her antlers, she is but a ghost of her former self.

And below is a video, that plainly demonstrates the magnitude of this pandemic. The lengths to which profiteers will go is appalling. I cried when I first saw this video.

I know that we can peacefully co-exist. We Jackalopes are more than willing to share the bounty this Earth has to offer. Even with creatures so offensive as humans. Perhaps a little mutual understanding would go a long way, here. We simply need to seize the podium from the Jackaphobes that currently occupy positions of power.

Surely there are some compassionate souls left among humanity. I am sending this hub along to PETA, and other organizations that I believe will be sympathetic to this cause. I am also distributing the video below, which may serve as a testimonial to the good deeds of which Jackalopes are capable. The individual in this video is my 42nd cousin, 17 times removed, and an all around good guy (as are we all).

I thank you in advance, for your support.

I have just heard that Canada has not only revoked our status as protected, but has actually offered a bounty on all Jackalopes. If diplomatic efforts fail, this can only be viewed as an act of war. To Canada, I can only offer this advice: Don't make me come over there...